Black Belt Mama

It's In There-17 Months Post ACL Surgery

I've been making a concentrated effort to spend more time at the dojo the past few weeks. I usually attend classes twice a week, but I've been adding an extra class here and there. I've been on the cusp of recovering all the kata and knew that the more I worked on it, the more cobwebs I'd be able to shake off.

This week, I've been at the dojo every night so far. Big I had ju-jutsu last night, so while she attended class downstairs, I went upstairs and ran through all of the kobudo kata. I think I have finally reached the point where I'm able to stop beating myself up mentally for putting kata on the back burner during my injury recovery. It's in there. It's really, finally, in there again.

I'm back to that familiar place where I'm falling asleep each night after running through a couple kata in my head. I'm talking about karate to Mr. BBM non-stop. I'm excited about how my bunkai is coming along. Despite the fact that a couple moves are still a little difficult for me (probably always will be), like the jump in the one tunfa kata and the kneel down in one of our open hand kata, I'm finally at the point where I've run through things enough times to know that my knee is holding up. It is no longer a stopping point, at least in kata (as long as my teachers are willing to accept the fact that I'm probably never going to be able to land on my left leg after that one jump). I'm even running on the treadmill now without swelling up.

The first couple weeks back were rough. I felt undeserving of the belt wrapped around my waist. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. It would have been really easy to throw in the towel. I won't deny that I thought about it while driving home after a few rough nights at the dojo. But I was determined to get back to my pre-injury state. I gradually accepted that I wouldn't be the same ever again; but I wanted to get as close as possible.

My knee is far from pre-injury state. It sometimes feels stiff and awful after a workout or a night at the dojo. When I stand up from sitting, sometimes I limp a bit. I can almost always tell you when it's going to rain; my knee is more accurate than the Weather Channel. But I feel like I am settling into the post-injury me and it's going ok. I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to ever be able to sit in seiza without terrible consequences. I think I'll probably always have some tendonitis that makes kneeling down uncomfortable. I'm probably always going to mind long car rides when I go to stand back up again. I will forever be extremely cautious with both of my knees; but I am slowly but surely putting the ACL ordeal behind me and getting back to doing the thing I love.

It's about time.

Hanging with the Boys

Lately, at the dojo, I have frequently been the only girl in class. There are definitely more men than women at my dojo. When you break it out and look exclusively at brown belt and above, there are even more men than women. I grew up a tomboy and my best friend in high school was a guy, so this has never bothered me. I seem to get along better with guys overall. From a martial arts perspective though, I began thinking about whether or not the guys take it a little easier on me.

Last night, we were paired up and spent the entire night trying to wail on each other with bat-sized sticks. Whenever we do these drills, we ease into them gradually. We start by working out distancing. Our partner starts swinging at us when we're just a hair out of reach. Then we add movement, first small movement, then big movements. Finally, we add some evasive maneuvers and techniques to combat someone wielding a club or bat at us. By the end of the night, it's usually a sparring type situation that can get pretty intense.

I was partnered with a brown belt guy, who I believe has a black belt in another style (a heavily into kicking style). I like working with this guy; we seem to work well together. The drills went fine, and then it was time for the free-for-all stick swinging. He was taking aim at me and my first movement brought some serious pain with it for my knee. The quick movements, twisting, pivoting and off-angle stuff still freak me out and cause me some trouble. Yet almost every week, I've been taken out of my comfort zone for drills that start harmless enough, but end with me being a nervous wreck. I simply haven't figured out how to adjust to my knee situation. My previous stances are uncomfortable so I've been forced to find new ways to stand. Something as simple as which foot to put in front is now troubling and feels uncomfortable.

It's really difficult to think about the stick swinging at your head when you're more worried about your knee and messing it up again. After the initial tweak however, I was able to make it through the drill. I got hit a couple times (thank God we had switched over to plastic), and I mostly felt like a total idiot. Being a teacher and having previously done a lot of public speaking, you'd think I could handle a little audience, but the four guys standing on the side were freaking me out too. They're all good, and I feel like I'm not, so it can be intimidating.

Later, I watched the guys switch it up and continue going at it. When my partner was out there with someone else, it was intense. He was throwing in some good kicks and techniques and I was really impressed. I also got the feeling that he had been taking it easy on me.

This, for a girl, is good and bad. It's good because I am smaller than these guys. Even though I'm of similar height to most of them, I am definitely a light weight. I don't fit the typical body type of a female karate-ka, at least not most of the ones I've seen and been around. Despite months of busting my butt at the gym, there's nothing you can really do when your genes say you'll be a 5'9", 135 lb string bean. I've built muscle, but it's still on my spaghetti frame. So, for that reason, I guess being treated a little differently is good.

I also think the guys are cautious around me because of my knee. They know I'm terrified of being injured again, and so they approach drills with me with kid gloves on. I get that, and I do appreciate it. But I guess there's a part of me that wishes it was otherwise. When I watch the guys out there, throwing each other around, and getting intense, I'm a bit jealous.

That's never going to be me. I'm not the girl who will be fondly recalled years from now as "the scrapper." I doubt there will be any legends told about me and my skills twenty years from now. I'm feeling more and more like I'm the blend-into-the-background type of girl in the dojo and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

People comfort themselves by saying that there's a reason for everything and that things happen for a reason. I, for one, would like to know the reason for some of these things. Like the ACL injury, for example. What was the purpose of that? Was it to make me quit karate? Was it to make me appreciate it more? Was it a giant smack-down from someone above telling me I'm out of my league? I know it's made me into a person who enjoys going to the gym and working out, but how does that fit in with karate and how things go at the dojo? Right now, I'm not seeing how the working out has benefited my karate. Will it make me a better martial artist in the long run? Will it harm my progress because I'm afraid (rightfully so), and because others are afraid to hurt me?

I don't want to go to the dojo and get a beat-down each week (I seriously can not sustain another injury), but at the same time, my purpose for being at the dojo is primarily self-defense. If the guys are taking it easy on me, then isn't this doing me harm in the long-run? Am I now seen as the delicate flower of the dojo? If that's the case, I'm not happy about it.

Last night I got home and iced my knee for a while. Then I had Mr. BBM come swinging at me and I tried to take him down using one of the techniques we worked last night. Without him knowing what I was going to do, and without him taking a dive for me, I simply couldn't make it work. Granted, he is bigger than the guys I usually work with, but it's still frustrating when something that had worked only hours ago, now doesn't.

As martial artists, we need compliant partners until we've learned the proper technique and control, but are my partners being too easy on me when it comes to helping me make techniques work? Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because of the ACL injury? Am I doing the same thing to them? Unfortunately, I don't think there are any easy answers to these questions.

There's a new place for ACL bloggers to hang out. Go here and click "join."

The winners will be announced tomorrow for the AMA month prizes!

Listening to the Knee Yoda

Last Thursday, I made the mistake of assuming that my knee would tolerate kneeling, as in butt back on the heels kneeling. I was very wrong.

I think I would have been ok if it had been a brief stay, but it wasn't. We ended up sitting in seiza for quite some time and I sat there awkwardly jutting my leg out to the side. Even if I could kneel completely, my knee brace wouldn't allow me to go that far. My brace is sort of like my mother, reminding me what I can and can not do.

I noticed my knee was a little crankier than usual over the weekend and I tweaked it again during my crazy yard lady four hour raking stint in my yard on Sunday when I sort of leaned back on my left heel at one of the areas in my yard that has decided it would like to be reclaimed by the depths of the Earth.

I should have called it a day, but I had a much needed appointment with my trainer at the gym, so after four hours of raking and seeding, it was time for more torture.

I had every intention of asking my trainer for some new leg exercises. I'm getting a little bored with what I've been doing. My knee has been holding up great through all of the increased reps and weights. I wanted something new; but when I sat down to stretch my legs out, I noticed a very sore and swollen knee.

I couldn't get full extension and my knee was really puffy. My trainer took one look at it and said, "We're doing arms," which is just what my arms needed after raking for four hours. He tortured my biceps, triceps and abs in new and horrible ways and then I went home to ice my knee.

I took my knee cocktail of my joint supplement, bromelain, and turmeric and topped it off with some ibuprofen. The knee was screaming for some. I iced it on and off until I went to bed, where I slept with it elevated.

On Monday, the swelling was down but I was still really sore. I was getting stiff after sitting for only a few minutes and I knew it was the kneeling that did me in because I was also super sensitive when I tried to bend my leg past a certain point.

I headed out to karate class anyway. I was up front with my instructor and told him I wouldn't be kneeling or doing anything to stress my knee. I also asked if we could refrain from doing anything involving abs, biceps or triceps, but the entire class decided that working joint locks on noses would be sort of short-lived and weird.

True to form, my instructor had me more worried about protecting my face and head than my knee and despite a couple reminders from the cranky knee during class, I actually finished class feeling better.

I'm still a little swollen, but it's definitely feeling better. Riding my stationary bike for 30 minutes last night seems to have loosened things up a bit. I am forever reminded of what my PT used to always say to me: "Listen to the knee." He's like my knee Yoda and I wish he would have been at the dojo when I was breathing through the pain of kneeling, telling myself to suck it up.

To prevent further swelling of my knee, you should really consider subscribing to my site.

For those bloggers recovering from ACL surgery, I've started a place just for us. Please join.

When Life Hands You Lemons

There is no denying that tearing my ACL was a horrible experience. . . initially. Crutches and braces for months at a time sucked. Living through the initial pain of the surgery and then finding out another surgery was necessary was just plain hell.

But if I consider the ACL tear pain and challenges a giant lemon in my life, I'd have to also admit that I have tried to make lemonade, given the circumstances.

I've never been one to give up easily, but sometimes, throughout the past 17 months, I even surprised myself. Sure I had my weepy moments where I felt sorry for myself. I can't deny that. I went through a stage where I needed to surround myself with all things martial arts. I read books, crutched my way up the dojo stairs to watch classes, and spent hours visualizing my kata so that I wouldn't slip behind and forget.

And then I had a period where the last thing I wanted to be around was martial arts. I asked Mr. BBM to take Big I to karate classes. I went through a period where it was too difficult for me mentally, to be there, watching the others enjoy the karate classes I knew I'd be missing for a long time. I stopped reading martial arts blogs for quite some time too. I couldn't take it. As happy as I was for my blogger friends and their promotions, etc., I couldn't bring myself to visit with any regularity. Commenting without sounding like I was feeling sorry for myself wasn't possible, so I stopped commenting. They stopped coming here too; and I hope they know that it wasn't anything personal. It was just a bad mental spot where I lingered for a while.

Then I started to feel better. It wasn't great. I dealt with over a year of pain until I went back for the second surgery; but I found encouragement through my physical therapist who has become a friend. I had some extraordinary friends who kept me positive and were always asking me how I was doing, some physically half a world away. I had great help from my family. I found courage through my personal trainer who went through the same surgery and completely knew how I was feeling and what I needed to do.  I've never been a gym person, but I pushed myself to get there and work harder. I never would have joined the gym and worked so hard if it hadn't been an absolute necessity. I would have made excuses about the cost, the time issue, and anything else that I could have mustered. Instead, my health and fitness has become a top priority and I'm better off for it. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. Without the ACL tear, that never would have happened.

I can finally say that I feel like I am coming out the other side of a long dark tunnel. My knee is feeling fantastic. It's obvious I'm getting stronger and my left leg is finally catching up with my right.

That's why this award, the "When Life Hands You Lemons" award from Marguerite, means an awful lot to me.  Thank you Marguerite!!!

 

As with any blog award, there are some rules.

• Post the logo on your blog.
• Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
• Link to the nominees within your blog post.
• Notify the recipients of the award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link back to the person from whom you received your award.

So now it's my turn to nominate some people who know how to make lemonade when life has dealt them some seriously sour lemons. I have two people in mind.

The first award goes to Renovation Girl. After dealing with an upsetting miscarriage only months ago, last week Renovation Girl launched "Find Your Happiness Friday" on her blog. In her situation, I'd have trouble finding happiness anywhere, yet she has and is encouraging her readers to do so too. She's a lemonade master.

The second recipient of this award goes to my ACL buddy Hackshaft. He had ACL reconstruction surgery only a few weeks after I had mine and he totally beat me back to the dojo. Then, only months later, he tore the ACL in his other leg. Yet the man has been nothing but positive. I have already told my husband that if I tear mine again, he will have to restrain me from jumping off a cliff. Hackshaft, on the other hand, reasoned that he got through it once-he would do it again. And I swear that within minutes of him leaving the hospital, he had a counter back on his blog for when he can return to the dojo. Talk about making lemonade out of not one, but two lemons.

Thank you again to Marguerite. You truly made my day! Hackshaft and Renovation Girl, I hope I've made yours too!

For additional reading, you might want to check this out. It's a list of the Top 50 Self Defense Blogs out there with a nice little description about each one. I happen to be on it. Cool.

Tonight I'm the guest on Karl's Talk Radio show at Talk Shoe. The time is 10 P.M. EST. If you're planning on listening in, go and register with Talk Shoe now so you can participate in the chat, ask questions via the chat or even call in! Hope to see you there!

Not a Wimp

Born with long, spaghetti-like arms, I've never had much confidence in my arm strength. Plus, my legs always made up for the lack of muscles in the upper body so I didn't worry about it. Why punch when you can kick right? Since I started working out with my trainer, we've been spending a lot of time on upper body exercises. Last night was no exception.

My trainer will frequently start me out with a certain amount of weight and then based on what color my face turns, he'll either add or subtract from that. When you're hanging out in the free weight section with a bunch of guys who could probably bench your whole body and then some, it can be a bit intimidating when you're only lifting super light weights and sometimes nothing more than a bar.

As with everything else, I tend to beat myself up about it too. "Oh man, I'm such a wimp" comes out of my mouth entirely too frequently. Just as my karate teacher told me to quit saying "I'm sorry" during sparring, my trainer last night told me to quit saying "I'm a wimp."

We tend to joke around a lot while working out, between sets, but when he said it last night he was serious. "I won't have anyone calling you a wimp, and I won't let you call yourself one either. You're definitely not a wimp." He went on to give me a little pep talk about how much I've improved and how we're ramping things up now and working on more than one body part per session. Part trainer, part cheerleader. That's why I picked him.

Frequently, I have no idea how much weight he has on the machines when I start working it, but last night he told me that he's throwing a lot more weight on there lately. The goal right now is building muscle endurance so I can stop going from full power to an empty tank. Trust me when I tell you that 7 or 8 reps come fairly easily but when I hit the last two. . . let's just say that last night he pretty much saved my face from an unfortunate meeting with a 15 lb. weight. I think my left arm is possessed sometimes and thought that maybe in exchange for all the punishment I was giving it, it thought I might like a bit of a snack in the form of a free weight.

In addition to saying my face from plastic surgery, I love how he has this plan for me. I told him what I want, and he knows how to get me there. It's fun, motivating, and a lot of good hard work too.

After wrecking my chest muscles and shoulders last night, we moved on to abs. He once again had something new for me. This time, he had me lie down on the mat, flat on my back. Then he stood facing me by my head. I had to reach over my head and hold onto his ankles while throwing my legs up straight and together at him. Once I was about to kick him, he would push my legs back down in different directions and I'd have to throw them back up at him. At first I started laughing and asked him if we were going to do those crazy two-person forward rolls that I used to be able to do when I was in gymnastics class many, many years ago.

He was laughing too and almost changed his mind about having me do them. He started to worry about whether or not my knee could take it. I told him my ACL is solid and to just avoid pushing my legs where I'm bruised. It's nice that he thinks about those things and is cautious about doing exercises that could potentially bother my knee. He has continued to push me but always stresses not wanting to reinjure me in any way, shape or form. Plus, me staying healthy is job security for him.

We did about four different abdominal exercises and I told him to give me another one. I finished the night off completely exhausted and barely able to put my own seatbelt on (my left arm/shoulder had developed a mind of its own after being destroyed for over an hour). But today, I know I'm stronger for it; and despite having trouble lifting my arms today, I know I'm not a wimp.

Lately I've been thinking that all things really do happen for a reason. For whatever reason, there were some additional lessons I needed to learn before shodan testing. Physical therapy and then joining a gym after this ACL mess has taught me a lot of discipline, and it's also brought more confidence in areas I didn't have it before. Plus, I'm getting in shape like never before and that will definitely impact the way karate goes for me back in the dojo.

Most importantly though. . . I'm not sorry and I'm definitely not a wimp. Maybe I should sell t-shirts. . .

Not Sorry

Not a Wimp

Would you buy one?

90% Back

I went back to the gym tonight and met with my trainer again. I swear in the three weeks I've been out, he has been working out extra. It looked like someone inflated his arms. When I told him he was holding out on me and asked him what he's been doing, he jumped up, grabbed the pull-up bars and did 15 pull-ups easily.

"Hmm," I said, "and I can't even do one unless you're holding 90% of my body weight."

He laughed. "Let's go girl. Let's get you back." He spent the next 40 minutes annihilating my biceps and triceps. For the first exercise, he handed me one of those straight bars that you're supposed to put weights on. "Girl, can you curl this?" he asked as he gently handed it to me. As I was taking it from him, he said, "it's 40 lbs."

I really wanted to lift that bar, but it was next to impossible. My legs are strong but my arms are still lagging behind. I moved it a couple inches and looked at him with pleading eyes, "I'm thinking this isn't going to happen" I told him.

A woman who was working out nearby, with arms like a body builder started laughing out loud. "I had faith in you! I thought you were going to do it!" she yelled across the floor.

"Yeah, well that's because I still have my sweatshirt on," I told her. "Wait until you see my spaghetti arms."  She cracked up again and I announced that I'm happy my weakling arms can be of some amusement to someone.

My trainer handed me the 30 lb. curling bar for what he calls "21's." I call them pure hell. I was relieved I could do it with 30, but grateful when he handed me the 20 lb. bar after a couple sets.

It is absolutely amazing how much you lose in the way of progress when you take a couple weeks off. My trainer assured me that the longer I work out, the less I'll fall back when I take a break. I just need to keep putting more time in.

I pushed it as hard as I could tonight, avoiding anything where I would have to kneel and felt good when my arms felt like jello and I could barely straighten them at the end of our session. I didn't think about my knee once the entire time except for when I told him those kneeling dips were out.

We saved abs for last, as usual, and tonight my trainer had some new torture for me. He did it all with me and I kept up just fine with him. That's the one thing I haven't let slide these past few post-surgical weeks. It was only a few days after surgery and I was sitting on the floor with my medicine ball, working it out. He told me he was impressed and that even if my arms are lagging behind, my core is getting stronger every day.

He told me he's got an arsenal of new things for me in the weeks to come. I'm excited to get to them.

When I was exchanging some work-out clothes from Christmas the other day, I was looking for some new t-shirts for the gym. There was one Nike one, part of the Live Strong clothing line. It said on the front "100% back."

I was so tempted to get it. Even if I don't wear it right away, I could keep it aside until I am 100% back. I held off though. I don't want to jump the gun and get ahead of myself. I'm 90% back. I'll find that shirt again when I'm ready. I'm going to be ready soon.

That Familiar Feeling

Before I tore my ACL, I would miss a karate class and Mr. BBM would know it. I was a cranky girl when I didn't get my weekly dose of dojo time. The frustration of dealing with barely being able to walk, being tied to crutches, being locked in an uncomfortable brace for weeks, and being in near constant pain made me even more cranky. Cranky just became part of my nature. Ok, I'll admit it's always been a part of my nature; but it became a much bigger part.

Joining the gym in October started to change that. Physical activity is an amazing thing for sanity and peace of mind. Breaking a sweat, working hard, making goals and meeting them really got me thinking about getting back in the dojo again. Sometimes, if you go so long without something, you forget how much it used to mean to you and how much you want it back in your life again.  Then something reminds you and the drive to get back to doing what you used to love so much is right there again.

I wonder though, can it ever really be the same again? Class used to take me away from my stress. It was an escape and a release. With a brace locked securely around my leg and the all too vivid memory of what this past year has been like, can it ever be the same?

A friend who went through this with both knees once told me that it takes two years before you don't feel any twinges of pain or discomfort. Two years before thinking about your knee becomes secondary to living your life. I don't think I want to wait two years!

I made it my goal when I scheduled this last surgery that I would be back in the dojo around my birthday which is now just three weeks away. I was hoping I'd be back meeting with my trainer today instead of waiting for an open incision to close. I realize my goal of 2-7 may be a bit too ambitious.

In order to go back though, I think I'm going to have to allow myself to suck for a while. I'm going to have to dig deep inside to get through the frustration of uncomfortable stances and moves that don't want to come naturally anymore.

It's a lot of pressure to walk back into the dojo after over a year of not being there on a regular basis (other than to watch your daughter's class). As a 1st kyu who used to really know her stuff, it's disappointing to come back and not be at your best. You start to wonder if the newcomers think you're a slacker. Of course they don't know the whole story, but it doesn't matter. You're a brown belt, 1st kyu and you should know your stuff.

You should be able to sit in seiza (I still can't).

I am excited about the prospect of starting back up again in just a few short weeks. I just hope it doesn't take long for karate to feel the way it used to feel.

Mixed Messages

You know you're in for it when the nurse who's about to take your stitches out, takes one look at your leg and says, "Oh, you have one of those. . . I'll be back." My surgeon does this running loop stitch thing and it mimizes scarring but stings a bit more than normal stitches when it comes out. When it comes out, it's one piece and you can feel it tugging underneath your skin.

She came back a few minutes later and peeled up the steri-strips. "Oh" she said, "I'm going to need to go get him. It's still open." My surgeon came in, took a look, and told her to go ahead with taking them out. It looked so disgusting that I wasn't sure if I wanted to gag, throw up, or pass out. With all the mixed signals, my body just decided to ramp up the heat as it began to feel like I was in a sauna and I broke out in a serious sweat. The bonus of having an incision that isn't completely closed yet is that the stitches don't pull as much coming out. Still, I couldn't watch.

Instead of watching the nurse pull out the stitches and put more steri-strips on the incision, I concentrated on my surgeon's face. He said that he removed part of the sheath, and all the scar tissue that had built up all around it. He said there was a lot of fluid in there too and that I should be good to go now.

Of course, there are limitations. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next 7-10 days and avoid doing any type of activity or stretching that would widen the incision and subsequent scar.

When all was said and done, he told me that in a few weeks I can get back to normal. We talked about pivoting, twisting, kicking and sparring and he made it quite clear what he thinks about me sparring again.

"Three step sparring is o.k. but if I were you, I wouldn't do anything beyond that. Revision surgeries do not have a good success rate, and we're talking about your leg and the rest of your life here."

Truly he's right. It's just not worth it.

As I was leaving he smiled and said, "I'll see you around, just hopefully not here." I should have invited him to my birthday party.

On the way home, I stopped at the gym to ask them if they could put a medical hold on my account. In total it will probably be about three weeks that I'm out of commission. At first, they seemed really willing to help. Then she said she would need 20 days prior notice to put it on hold. "I don't think I even had 20 days notice that I was having surgery," I told her.

I asked for the guy who signed me up and he saw me coming as I walked back to his desk. "Remember that free month you promised me when I signed up? I never got it. I've been paying every month since I signed up. I'd like you to put that free month through now. I threw my leg up on the chair and pulled my pant leg up.

He wrote down my membership number and said he'd take care of it. I figured that flashing a little leg would work, just for different reasons than one would think. 

Apparently, the 20 days prior notice business is somewhere on my contract, in microscopic print, on the backside of the paper, written in Arabic code, and requiring a decoder pen from a cereal box. I would just like to know when helping people became secondary to screwing people.

Of Crashed Computers and Rainbows

I have yet to get my computer back and I am starting to freak out. I start back up with teaching again next week and I don't have my syllabus finished yet. I'm teaching the same course as last semester, and only one this time, so technically, I have a completed syllabus. But I have things I need to change and stuff that needs to get done and copied before next Tuesday. I am about to have a major freak-out.

Mr. Computer Doctor Man had to wipe my computer completely clean and install an entirely new hard drive. While Mr. BBM was able to get most of my teaching documents off while in safe mode before taking it to him, I have no way of using those documents because my daughter's laptop doesn't have any of the programs I need to get it done.

I spent this morning revising my syllabus with a pen and hoping I get my computer back today. He's been saying, "I'll be finished with it today" for a good week now. More actually.

I could just type the sucker up but it's six pages and my daughter's computer doesn't even have a word processing document, so I guess I couldn't actually just type it up.

In addition to the teaching related freaking out, my leg is turning lovely shades of yellow, purple, red, blue and green. It's like a rainbow, but not quite so pretty. I peeled up the edges of the steri-strips the other day because they were driving me insane. This morning, I woke up to find that the one strip is peeled up clear to the incision and it's sort of goopy, oozy and thick bloody under there. It is totally grossing me out. Dried blood I can deal with; live blood, I can't.

 

Once I get my computer back and my stitches out I am popping open a bottle of champagne to restart the New Year. 2009 can not continue at this pace. It must get better; my sanity is at stake.

Improvement

The bandages came off yesterday and within minutes I was in the shower. Having a shower after child birth or surgery is like a little slice of heaven. I was actually surprised how little swelling I had, but the bruising is another story.

When I had ACL reconstruction last year, I didn't have any bruising. I thought that was weird. Everyone gets bruising from that, but this minor insignificant surgery has caused more outside bruising than I thought it would.

 
The knee before surgery. The bruising has been a regular issue for me since my surgery last year. At the very top of the scar on the left side, you can see a bumpy area (difficult to see on a photo), which is what my surgeon removed. There was a vein right over top of it that was causing rubbing and bruising every time I did something active. 

I've been avoiding bending because it burns and feels sore and stiff, but last night I slept with my knee bent and it seems to have loosened things up a bit. I'm still pretty sore, but the bruising seems like it's stopped getting worse and may start to clear up gradually.

 
After bandage removal yesterday. 

 
Not too bad in the swelling department considering he was scraping my tibia and cutting stuff out. 

I have several steri-strips over the incision but I can tell he did one of those running loop stitches again which means it will sting when it comes out but I'll have less of a scar, so that's a good thing.

My stitches come out on Thursday and I hope to be back to normal better than normal soon after that.

And Then There was Barfing

Last night the local wore off and I started to hurt. I took some meds and went to bed. This morning, it's that burning incision fun every time I bend. I'm not complaining. I expected worse. With this, I can deal. I am definitely more sore today though, than I was yesterday.

To add to the fun, Lil C woke up this morning, ate her breakfast and then promptly barfed all over herself. 10 minutes later she did it again. There is no way this leg is bending enough to clean a floor, so it was a good thing Mr. BBM was here to clean up the floor. I sat on the edge of the tub and gave her a much-needed bath.

We've spent the day lounging and watching the Food Network. We decided after several episodes that neither of us can stand The Barefoot Contessa and her snotty attitude. We also decided we're going to try to make phyllo dough pudding cups when we're both feeling better. When Lil C wasn't lounging on me, she was kissing me a lot. I sense fun things in my future, don't you?

Tomorrow morning, I'm allowed to remove the bandages, check out the swelling and take a much-needed shower. I'm thankful I won't need a lawn chair this time around. It's the small things that make me happy people.

Keep your fingers crossed (or your eyes if that's more your style) that the barfing stops with the little one.

Relief

That's the only word I can think of right now. I am just so relieved it's all over. I last looked at the clock in the OR at 7:50 a.m. and I woke up in recovery at 8:30. They told me it took my surgeon exactly 9 minutes to do the procedure.

I had a great anesthesiologist who served up a "double mojito, minimal ice." He also kept me laughing until I went to sleep. I apparently told one of the nurses when I was still loopy, that I better be able to go out and dance on my birthday (one month from today). She said I also told her that I'll be turning 29. . .  again. Good to know I keep consistent with my lies even when I'm groggy from narcotics.

They told me I could keep my undies on during surgery so that really made my day. When I told them they made me take them off at the hospital, they were as puzzled as I was as to why.

My surgeon talked to me after I woke up a bit more (apparently he talked to me right when I woke up and I don't recall any of this), and he said that he checked my ACL and it is solid. He said he cut down the part that was protruding from my tibia and smoothed it all out. He said I should not have any more problems.

I walked in the house without crutches and have spent most of the day in bed with my leg elevated. I have a massive wrap and bandage around my knee that can come off on Friday, so that's made bending a bit difficult. But the discomfort is minimal at this point.

My surgeon gave me a stern warning to take it easy until I get the stitches out. I'm guessing this was prompted by me asking when I can go back to the gym. He said he wants the leg elevated to deal with the swelling that I can tell is already alive and well under all this bandaging.

Overall though, "relief" is the word of the day.

Thank you so much for all your emails and encouraging comments over the past few days. They helped me last year a great deal and they really helped calm my nerves leading up to today. I know I have the best readers ever.

And now this groggy girl is going back to sleep.

Surgery Eve

I've been given a report time tomorrow morning of 6:30 a.m. No food after midnight; no liquids after 4:30 a.m. Yeah, because I'll be up drinking coffee at 4. Not.

Early times like this concern me. Is my surgeon a morning person? How about the anesthetist? The nurses? I don't want any screw-ups.

I am so not a morning person so I'm thinking I will probably just roll out of bed around 6, take a quick shower and go. It's not like I can eat or anything anyway.

Last year, I barely slept the night before surgery and I have a feeling tonight will be more of the same. I have to keep reminding myself that this time won't be as bad, but unfortunately, the only thing I have to compare it to was pure hell. 

Wish me luck tomorrow, and for a steady hand for the surgeon.

Getting Nervous

Yesterday the surgery center called me to do my pre-op interview. She asked me all kinds of questions that were easy to answer until she asked, "What's your pain tolerance like?"

"I don't know how to answer that," I said. "I had natural child birth twice and that was fine. ACL reconstruction surgery, however, was a completely different story."

"I'll just put 'I don't know' down," she said.

She then went on to tell me that she doesn't want me to be in pain so I should let them know if I'm in any pain after the surgery next week. She doesn't need to worry about that.

She also said I should bring along my crutches. I do not want to be on crutches again and the whole thought of all of this stuff is bringing back bad memories from last year. I want it over with in the worst way, and logically, I know that I'll be better afterwards. But I am ACL traumatized and the dread that is beginning to envelope me is a feeling I wish wasn't so familiar.

Surgery is Scheduled

The surgery to remove the protruding part of the sheath surrounding the screw in my tibia is officially scheduled for January 7th. At least I can get through the holidays without being in recent surgical pain. My PT told me that my biggest issue will be swelling but that it should disappear fairly quickly. He said it won't be nearly as bad as ACL surgery, but I'm still preparing myself for the worst. I don't want to be blindsided by pain.

I am hoping that this is the final thing I need to get me back in the dojo and on the road to feeling normal and thinking less about my knee all the time. 23 days until the knife. Let's bring it on and get it over with once and for all.

***There's a new review on The BBM Review of a martial arts book called "Me, Chi and Bruce Lee" that you should definitely check out.  Don't miss it!

If I Could Just Lift My Arms

I think I went at my arm muscles a bit too aggressively yesterday at the gym. While putting cups in the cabinets, I had to stand on my toes. My arms can't go above shoulder height without my triceps screaming "down girl!" Because I am always more sore the second day after a hard workout, I am even more worried for tomorrow.

Tomorrow night is Mr. BBM's holiday party for work. This will be the first time I'll meet a lot of his colleagues. I'm hoping I can shake their hands without looking like a robot.

I think I've been taking my aggressions out at the gym and if that means throwing in an extra set or two, so be it. I guess it's understandable that I've had a lot of agression to work out this week. But my arms aren't letting me forget it this week. I'm trying to get my house cleaned up for a party I'm having this weekend and something tells me my triceps aren't going to be real happy about me using the vacuum either.

Although I called to set up my surgery time and date yesterday, I still haven't heard back. I have schedules to arrange and babysitters to call on so I need to know. There is no such thing as planning too far in advance.

My plan is to continue to bust my butt at the gym 3-4 times a week so that going into this surgery, I'll be at my strongest. While I know it's not as involved as an ACL reconstruction surgery, I also know that I'm saying "yes" to him cutting me over the sorest part of my body, the area that makes me cringe when someone even brushes up against it. I know I'm going to be hurting and I just want to know when it is so I can put it on the countdown and be done thinking about it.

Plus, I think once I know, I'll calm down at the gym a bit. I hate unknowns even worse than I hate pain.

I thought of one positve thing about all of this today. At least the second time around, I know how to beat the underwear issue. No more worries about a bare butt during surgery.

My Head is Not the Problem

I've watched as people who had ACL reconstruction surgery after me returned successfully to karate. I've read about how ACL reconstruction people are running three months after surgery. I've been told that my problem is mental and that I need to just get back out there, suck it up, work through the pain.

It's not in my head and today I got confirmation.

My surgeon took a couple x-rays of my knee this morning. The x-ray tech seemed baffled as to what these bumps are on my leg. The surgeon needed to only take a brief glance and a quick feel. The bumps on my leg are part of the screw sheath that is sticking out, rubbing against a vein and causing pain and bruising that is preventing me from doing the things I want to do. The screws look good in my knee. The tunnel angles are all perfect. It's just this stupid sheath from the screw that is causing me problems.

It's not normal at this point. Usually, by a year out, whatever may be sticking out of the sheath has worn down and away, but mine has not. My surgeon says my leg is so skinny that he can just see clear as day what needs to be done.

The fix is an easy one, but it involves surgery. It's one incision, outpatient, and takes less than an hour. My surgeon said he would go in at the same incision, and basically shave off the part that's causing me all the trouble. I have two options: I can wait and see if it gets any better (which it probably won't) or I can just schedule the surgery.

I teared up when he said it for two reasons. One, I'm glad I'm not crazy, and that there is something wrong and that it can be fixed. But the other reason is that I don't want to go to sleep again. I don't want any more surgery. I am terrified that I'm going to be in agony again.

He said it's no big deal and that I'll just have a cut on my leg. He's not touching my knee or doing any drilling or screwing. So my choice is to live with the pain and bruising or get it scheduled and fixed.

We also discussed me not being able to run. He felt all around my knee, determined that the location of my pain is not a true Jumper's Knee so to speak, but rather a more general and annoying case of patellar tendonitis. He told me to do ice massage with my knee bent three times a day and he said it will clear up and I will be running in no time.

We left the appointment with him telling me to give him a call to let him know if I want to do the surgery or not within the next couple of weeks. He said he'll fit me in whenever I want to have it done. I want to feel better and get back to doing the things I want to do, but it's going to be really hard for me to say "yes, cut me again." I know it has to be done. I just need a couple days to wrap my head around it.

Think Happy Thoughts

"Your knee hurts because you need to build more strength in your leg."

"If your knee hurts, back off the weight lifting."

"The only way to get your knee feeling better is by building the muscles in your leg."

"Don't do anything that hurts or feels even a bit uncomfortable."

Do you understand why I'm confused? Yesterday, I went to the gym and one of the trainers came over to talk to me and see how my knee was feeling. I told him that's it's o.k., but not great. I told him about how I still can't run and about these painful little hard bumps in my knee that don't move even when you move the skin around them. He asked me to show him and I was at least grateful I had shaved my legs.

He took one look at my knee, asked to see the other one and had me face the mirror. "You have a lot of fluid in your knee! Look at the difference" he said.

I can see obvious differences in my knees, but I guess I thought that was because it's me and I spend half my life analyzing my knees and wondering if my left one will ever feel and look normal again. I didn't think it was obvious to a casual observer. He felt the little bumps below my knee and said he thought I should get it checked out.

No more procrastinating. I called the surgeon this morning and got an appointment for tomorrow morning.

I'm going to get some answers tomorrow and hopefully some solutions. Think happy thoughts for tomorrow, happy thoughts that don't involve painful injections to the knee or any more surgery.

A Blow to the Action Plans

If you've been a reader here for a while, you know I suffer from delusions action plans. Many of my action plans involve running quite rapidly, out of burning buildings, away from bad guys, in order to rescue my children, etc. Here's the problem.

I still can't run.

I read all these blogs of people who've had ACL surgery and they're out there running miles. I don't get this at all. I simply can't run. My knee feels funny when I try and to be perfectly honest, I think I forget how.

Yesterday at the gym, I turned up the speed on the treadmill and tried to run. I probably looked like a complete idiot. At this point, almost a year out from surgery, one would think I'd be able to run. I'm not sure if it's mental or physical at this point, but I do know that it doesn't feel right at all. I truly don't know how to do it anymore.

One thing I do know, almost a year out from surgery, I'm still having way too much pain, discomfort and annoyances. When will this go away?

It's All About the Money

I went to the gym today to meet with the trainer who seemed so willing to help me. I found him, and he told me to hop on a treadmill while he talked to me. He talked to me about the importance of stretching, strength training, flexibility, and exercises to work on balance. I was polite but I felt like telling him he was preaching to the choir. You don't remain oblivous to these things when you're an ACL statistic.

When he was finished telling me what I already know, he launched into his sales pitch. Been there, done that. He told me when I was ready to sign a contract, he'd be happy to help me. So much for that.

I spent an hour doing my arms work-out before heading out. If it wasn't for a ridiculous initiation fee to get into the program, I might actually consider it. Until they agree to waive it though, I'm not interested in giving them all my hard-earned money. I already paid to join the gym. A friend recommended another trainer who charges a lot less and I'm going to give her a call to see what she has to say.

I feel like writing to the owners of the gym to tell them their approach is shady and a big turn-off. I feel like not signing up for a contract just for spite. You shouldn't tell someone you want to show them an exercise that will help and then hang it over their heads until they sign a long contract. Plus, the sales pitch guys with all the so-called experience just turn you over to a less-experienced trainer for your actual work-outs.

Plus, I'm sure I can find some exercises on my own that will help my knee. That's what google is for people; and google is free.

Back Off

I was seriously trying to talk myself out of going to the gym today. I kept making excuses. Then I talked to Mr. BBM. He told me I should just go. It's going to be uncomfortable working out there until I get used to it and there's only one way to get used to it. Drag my butt there; just go.

Part of why I didn't want to go is because after two sessions with a personal trainer, I was getting the hard sell, and they were trying to convince me that I needed to pay a fortune to work out with a trainer on a regular basis. As much as I'd like to do that, we just bought a house. I don't have money growing on trees. In fact, I have no trees. Hell, I barely have grass as this point.

Today was the first day I had to see the trainer since I didn't call him back. Of course, he was right there as I walked in. I told him money is tight and I'm waiting to see how much of a credit I have at karate from my year on hiatus until I make any decisions. He shrugged it off and said he was there if I needed his help.

So, I got right to it. Today was legs and I spent time working on PT like things and also doing some weight lifting to build up the muscles in my legs. I had spent about 40 minutes working my legs and abs and then walked on an incline for 20 minutes on the treadmill.

When I was finished, I saw my trainer and thought I'd ask him if he could help me hook up some kind of weight lifting harness so that I could do some exercises that my physical therapist taught me. He and about three other trainers started scratching their heads. No one had a harness. They just had these stretchy bands. It wasn't working. At one point, there was one band wrapped around my waist, another wrapped around me being held tight by a trainer behind me and a whole mess of trainers watching.

The one trainer, who always seems a little sour asked me why I wanted to do that exercise. I told him it had really helped me get my leg stronger when I was going to PT. He asked me what I had done and when I told him I had surgery for my ACL in December, he started getting on my case. "You should be doing deep squats by now on that knee. You're babying that knee too much." He wouldn't shut up. He had some company.

Since I always take the high road, I fired back, "How many trainers does it take to hook up one harness?"  I told him that my surgeon doesn't want me doing deep knee bends and that I had an overuse injury. I'm anything but a slacker when it comes to getting my leg back in shape. I resented his little comment that quickly began to feel like a public stoning.  Here were a bunch of guys with leg muscles the size of my whole body, telling me and my stingbean leg that my PT doesn't know anything, and they want me to sign a long-term contract so I can take this kind of abuse weekly?

At one point, the out of line trainer asked me how I had hurt my knee. "At karate while sparring," I said. The trainer I had worked out with last week shot the guy a look that told him I'd probably be more than happy to snap kick his head off. He would have been right. 

During the debate, one of the trainers disappeared and came back with his own personal weight lifting harness. He handed it to me. "Try this," he said. It worked perfectly. He began asking me about my injury and what types of exercises I was doing. He told me that he's a trainer who trains athletes, many who've had ACL reconstruction. He was rattling off statistics and talking about the differences between women and men and why this happens to women more often. He told me he could teach me some exercises that would really help strengthen my leg to prevent it from ever happening again.

Unfortunately, the KidZone was closing and I had to go grab Lil C. When I was putting her shoes on, I realized he had followed me. He told me he'd be happy to show me some exercises later this week, so I made an appointment with him. It's free. I'm just hoping I don't have to endure 30 minutes of post work-out pressure to sign a contract again.

Enter Pain

I had a personal training session today at my new gym. I expected to be tortured, and I was tortured sufficiently. My legs have felt like rubber for much of the day, and I can pretty much guarantee that tomorrow morning is going to suck, even though my Mom hates that word. There's just no better word for how it's going to feel to try to make these legs work tomorrow.

My trainer had ACL reconstruction surgery himself, so he has been in my shoes. We spent 30 minutes talking about my goals: to not be in pain anymore, to feel normal again, to be able to return to karate and return strong, etc. etc. After our talk, we got right to work.

My trainer had me do some interesting things that I think are really going to help me. I held weights and used a step to do toe touches. I balanced on some impossibly wiggly ball thing on one leg. I sat in mid-air while leaning my back against a wall long enough to make my legs burn. I did squats with my back pressed against one of those giant exercise balls that was up against a wall. I did some crazy calf exercises while balancing on some round wobbly thing. I also did some leg extensions on a machine that allowed me to use different weights for each leg. After working on extensions, he had me flutter kick on the machine slowly. That was killer, but everything he had me do made complete sense. My leg muscles burned; but my knee only protested a bit.

During the wall sit/squat thing, my legs started to shake so badly that I told him I didn't know if I'd be able to get back up, so he offered me an arm and helped me each time. Otherwise I think I would have been stuck! I asked him if he'd provide the same service for me tomorrow morning when I'm struggling to get out of bed. He laughed. I think personal trainers enjoy torturing people sometimes.

After working my legs like crazy, we moved on to abs. Yes, I'd like to get my knee back to normal, but I'd also like to get back my pre-kid abs. I really wish I hadn't told him that though. He had me work my abs like never before. I felt like a total slacker and told him I was embarrased. It freaking hurt and tomorrow I'll probably have to roll out of bed.

After a good hour of working out, we sat down to talk. I felt pretty good and my knee had only protested a little bit. It was nice to have his help because he let me know exactly how I should be doing each exercise so as not to aggravate my knee.

He tried to talk me into a training contract with him. It is insanely expensive and I just don't think I can afford it right now. I whined about buying a new house and still paying off my surgery almost a year later, so he threw in another free session for later this week.

During the inbetween days, I'm going to hit the pool, strap on some leg weights and do some underwater walking and running. I have to get this leg back in shape. I have too much I want to do in my life to have this knee issue hinder me anymore.

Take the Fight to the Gym

My physical therapist says I need more time off from karate. My knee says so too. I just didn't want to listen to it.

Almost a week after class, I still have pain, swelling and bruising. Imagine taking purple and blue markers and leaving little dots all around my largest incision scar area. That's pretty much what I look like. I'm also super sensitive on the top of my tibia.

Along with warning me to listen to my knee and take a break, my PT encouraged me to get back to the gym. I went in search of a gym membership and I think I'm joining one tomorrow. Despite the fact that it feels sort of like a night club and less like a gym, I'm joining for the pool and because a dear friend of mine also belongs there. I won't feel nearly as stupid, walking laps in the pool if I'm walking along with her.

I went in today for an initial tour. The sales guy was this beefcake of a dude who sized me up before saying, "So where have you been working out? Because you obviously work out." I laughed out loud. "Yeah, it's called carrying around a three-year old." He then introduced me to a trainer who will set me up with a work out plan. He had surgery for a torn ACL and meniscus, so we instantly bonded and compared scars. His may be bigger, but mine is way uglier.

Then he started asking me questions about my height and weight. He guessed higher on my weight than what I actually am, but lower on my age by a good seven years so I forgave him. Then, he hands me the little machine which happens to be a body fat calculator. I really wasn't in the mood to deal with my body fat percentage so I cringed and told him if it was bad, I was tossing it in the pool before he got a look at it.

It came back at 21.6%. That is so not at all bad. So, as far as that goes, I'm inbetween the good and excellent. I have 1.6% to go to be completely in "excellent." I was expecting to be about 50% fat so I was elated.

Then I got the tour. He showed me the "trainer area" where there were a bunch of young ripped guys standing around looking bored. He showed me the equipment. While getting the tour, I took careful inventory and besides the trainer, there wasn't anyone there that looked too intimidating. The pool was really sweet, and I imagine I'll be spending most of my gym time there in the beginning. The low impact water aerobics and the weights that you can use while walking or swimming laps will definitely come in handy.

Unlike previous gyms I've toured which sound like headbanger concerts, today's gym was playing Nelly and other hip hop and rap music. I asked the sales guy if the old people complain and he nodded that they do. Personally, I'm psyched about the music choices.

And, when I'm feeling up to it, there's a work-out room with five heavy bags hanging in the room. I need to fight my way back to karate and the fight now goes to the gym. 

Me and My Annoying Knee

I went to the dojo tonight for the early class. I figured if I was feeling good enough, I'd stay for the late class. I wasn't so I didn't.

Stretches went fine until we got to the sit-ups. I had no idea that ACL surgery also eliminates stomach muscles, but apparently it does. I haven't exactly kept up with sit-ups in my months away from karate. I'm going to pay for that tomorrow.

Push-ups went better if you ignore the awkward girl stance I was in with my bad leg out straight and all my weight balanced between my hands and my one good knee. Something tells me my good knee may soon be my second bad knee.

We started off class with some basic moving drills; and they were uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. I wanted to be concentrating on my hip movement, my stances and making my arms do the right things at the right time. Instead, I spent the entire moving drill concentrating on that sink, twist and step out motion that was causing twinges of pain every single time I did them.

We then stood in Nai Hanchi for a while and worked on different strikes. While I wanted to concentrate on my punches, I ended up watching myself in the mirror and the obvious lean I was doing onto my good leg. I kept trying to make myself center up again, but I'd always find myself leaning back to the right side again.

Then I got a cramp in my calf muscle. My leg muscles just aren't conditioned enough yet. Nai Hanchi stances kills. When we moved on to some kicking drills, I bowed out for a bit. Soon, I was called to go downstairs for Big I's promotion. She got a promotion and a stripe tonight and another green belt dad and I got to play the role of "yudansha."

Big I thought it was fun to bow to me after she was given her certificate. I was just relieved when I could get off the floor after agonizing in an awkward seiza which was pretty much me kneeling on one knee with my left leg hanging out awkwardly to the left.

When I went back upstairs, they were working on more kicking drills. I don't have clearance to do that yet, and I was feeling sore and tired so I went home.

Unlike the week before, I didn't have a good ride home. This knee business absolutely sucks on so many levels. I'm one of those people that wants to do something and do it well. Right now, I can't do anything well when it comes to karate. I can't clear my head because I'm always worried about my knee; and I can't do anything the way its supposed to be done.

I feel like a slacker and a loser and I don't like it one bit. Maybe it was too soon to go back. Maybe I'm just not there yet. On the drive home, all I kept thinking is that I may not ever get back to where I was before and that is beyond frustrating. 

I'm going to try to just get it out of my head. I'm reading a book called "Me, Chi and Bruce Lee" about a guy who attempts to get a black belt, gets a bunch of injuries, and "learns what the martial arts is all about." I'm on Chapter 3 right now and I'm thinking this is just the book I need to be reading right now.

Jumping Back In with Both Knees

I don't know how to ease my way back into karate, so I just jumped right in last night. I figured that while Big I was in class, I would take the early class which consists of mostly white to green belts. I adapted what I needed to, doing punches at full force but snap kicks in a very slow and controlled manner. Hanshi kept reminding me to take it easy, and I appreciated his acknowledging that it's o.k. for me to do things differently.

When the class moved on to kata at full speed, Hanshi asked me to take a new white belt aside and teach him the 10-step blocking drill. The guy knew only the first block, but by the end of the class he was doing the entire drill correctly. I really like working with new people; I always have liked it. It gives me a chance to work on basics; and you always learn something more effectively when you're teaching it to someone else. Plus, concentrating on someone else helps distract from your own worries about your less-than-perfect knee.

I figured I'd see how the first class went and then decide whether or not I felt like staying for the advanced class. As I watched my friends filing in for the second class, I decided that I really wanted to stay. I was feeling pretty good and figured I would give it a try.  Before going to the dojo, I thought about grabbing my karate bag, but ended up leaving it at home figuring we wouldn't be working weapons at all.

I was wrong. Since I didn't have my own, I was given an incredible set of Hanshi's sai to use. I believe they are Shureido; and they were easily the most incredible sai I've ever had the pleasure to use (Hint, hint Mr. BBM-Christmas present???). Before we started each weapons kata, I would stand there and try to get through it in my head, trying to predetermine areas that would be tricky for my knee or altogether impossible. I kept drawing a blank. My open hand kata are in there, but my weapons ones had started to fade a bit.

However, once we started moving through the kata, they started coming back to me. It felt so good to work through the moves and see all of the ones I can still do.  As the night wore on, it became quite obvious that the sai kata are my friends, while the nunchaku kata is not. There's a kneeling move in Odo No Nunchaku that just wasn't going to happen. The second tunfa kata was difficult too. The fades to the back, followed by big pivots and quick movements were really hard. I found myself compensating by putting much more of my weight on my right leg. We won't even discuss the jumps, except to say that I didn't do them and my own version elicited a chuckle from Hanshi (Personally, I think he was relieved I didn't try them).

The entire night, I kept hearing my surgeon's wise advice, "You can go back, but you're not going to be any good at it for a while." Every time I messed up, I repeated that in my head. It served as a comforting mantra for the night.

When all was said and done, I had completed two hours of class (the second being the most challenging), and I had a soaking wet gi (for the first time since the night I injured my knee) as my reward for all the hard work. Today, I am sore in the all the places I expected to be sore. Although my knee felt like it was going to mind it last night, today it feels pretty good.

The feeling I had driving home last night was so wonderful. The satisfying exhaustion that comes from a hard class is something I haven't experienced in almost a year. Karate always made me a better person. I was able to get rid of the stress that was building up. After a hard work out, I was always in a better mood. The release after being unable to do karate for almost 11 months is just amazing. It had been building up all this time and going back is the biggest stress reliever ever. I am so happy to be back, slow pivots, lousy jumps, shaky nunchaku kata and all.

I'd like to wish my mother-in-law a very Happy Birthday! Your card from the girls is going to be late and it's totally not their fault. I take full responsibility.

If you're interested in buying some affordable and totally awesome bags for your weapons, check out Bags of Character.

New Attitude

Going back to class on Saturday lit a fire under me. Yesterday, I strapped Lil C on the back of Mr. BBM's bike and went riding for 30 minutes. No small feat when Lil C is getting bigger everyday and on a bike that is too big for me. When we returned from the bike ride, we took a walk for another 15 minutes. Then we played soccer in the front yard. I am convinced Lil C is going to be a soccer Olympian one day. The kid dribbles the ball better than I do (of course, this is not saying much).

Today, the only thing sore on me after all that exercise is my knee, my right knee, not the knee that got the ACL reconstruction surgery. I'm contemplating finding a nice comfortable, supportive brace for my "healthy" knee. I don't want to repeat the ACL saga on the other side. I just can't do it again. I think my right knee has just had it with all the extra responsibility I've been placing on it for the past year. It wants to be babied too. The problem is that I can't baby them both.

I think I'm going to try one of the evening classes this week at the dojo. These classes have a lot more people in them and they tend to have a lot of high ranking belts in them, but I see it as just another step in the process of getting back to the dojo full time. If I need to sit something out, I'll do it. If I'm the only one standing for the rei in, so be it. I'm learning to accept these hopefully temporary restrictions and everyone else will just have to as well.

Since I went to class on Saturday, my attitude has been completely different. Going to class and getting back to the routine that was once so therapeutic for me just feels so incredibly good. I honestly don't know how I stayed away for so long. I need this and I'm going to make it work.

If you are a martial artist, don't forget to check out "Bags of Character." A friend of mine from the dojo makes beautiful, hand-made kobudo weapons bags and you can view them here.

Back to Karate and I Survived

I went to bed last night at 10:30 p.m. I couldn't deal with staying awake and stressing about going back to karate in the morning. I spent the night dreaming about blowing my other ACL. It was a pleasant night's rest.

I woke up this morning, got my gi and obi together and headed out for class. As I was driving to the dojo, it was like a flashback of the last year. It was only the end of August last year when I returned to karate after my whiplash injury. This week marked 11 months since I blew my ACL out in the first place and 9 months since surgery. I was scared to death of stepping back on the dojo floor; but I knew it was something I just had to do and get out of my system.

I arrived at a quiet dojo. One of my instructor's saw me walk in holding my wrapped up gi and obi and my ACL brace.  Her mouth dropped open with surprise as she asked me "What are you doing here?" I told her I was there to try and she was thrilled. We went into the locker room and I strapped my brace on and tied my gi. . . the wrong way.

"One of us has her gi tied the wrong way," my instructor said. Obviously, it wasn't going to be her.  She's a Kyoshi after all. We both laughed and I retied it before tying on my obi. It felt good, weird but good.

We walked out into the main area and Hanshi was standing there, having recently emerged from his own locker room. He looked physically shocked to see me in my gi and he took a few staggers backward.

It was time to start.

The class today was small. A young green belt, a new adult white belt and me, the gimpy girl. Hanshi did me a favor and we did the rei in standing up today. We spent most of the class working upper body self defense.

For the second part of class, Kyoshi had us work on bunkai for Nai Hanchi Shodan. We ran through the kata once before we started. I won't lie. It hurt. Nai Hanchi stance is really rough. Any time spent in stance brings a shaking leg and a knee that starts to protest. The leg lift part made me wince and it became quite obvious that I'm going to need to accept the fact that my kata now is not going to be my kata of last year.

When we were finished with Nai Hanshi bunkai, we worked on Sanchin. It's a second degree black belt kata in our system and I think I know it now. Hanshi and Kyoshi stress this breathing kata for its healing properties and I believe that is one of the reasons they wanted me to learn it. I made it through that slow moving kata just fine, although the turns were a bit rough in the beginning.

Throughout the class today, both Hanshi and Kyoshi kept reminding me to "take it easy." They didn't expect me to be the same karate-ka as last year. Knowing that they're not expecting me to come back and be perfect is making it much easier to return.

I left the dojo feeling a little sore (I think I put my brace on too tight), but very proud of myself. It feels good to be back. I just have to put realistic expectations on myself and not push myself to do things that just don't work the way they used to quite yet. I'll get there, one class at a time, but the "there" might be a bit of a different place than where I was before my injury. It's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

Excuse me while I freak out

Mr. BBM is all zen. When we were selling our house, he was calm. My realtor and I were not. When I'm freaking out because I don't feel they're going to finish our house in time, Mr. BBM says, "It will all work out." Last night, I finally brought him to my side, the dark side of worry and pessimistic paranoia.

While I fully realize that a crew of men descended on my house like a hive of worker bee's, completing the insulation on Monday and hanging all the drywall on Tuesday, when there is no activity on your house for three days post all this crazy activity, you start to worry a bit.

Tomorrow is September 20th. Our settlement date is October 20th. As of tomorrow, they have exactly 30 days, 29 really because they won't be working on the 20th of October anymore. We'll be moving in.  There are also weekends in there, which brings the number of actual working days down considerably.

Mr. BBM was asking me why I'm freaking out and I said this: "The siding guy hasn't been back since Saturday. Only about 1/10 of our house has siding. The stone guys can't come until the siding guy is finished. The stucco guy can't come until the stone guy is finished. They can't tape and spackle the drywall until the house is one temperature which means the furnace needs to be installed. They can't install the furnace yet because they still have to saw through 10 inches of ribar-enforced concrete to create my new Bilco door basement entrance right near where the furnace goes. They also need to pour the new concrete basement wall where the door used to be. That has to sit for 24 hours. Then they have to seal it and that has to sit for at least 24 hours before they can push the dirt back. They can't grade the yard or work on the sidewalk to the house or the driveway until the yard is graded. If the furnace isn't installed and they can't finish the drywall, then they can't paint, install trim, put the floors in, or the cabinets, or the countertops or the lights. . ."

By the end of my little diatribe, he was looking pretty stressed. His whole, "the outside pace doesn't have any effect on the inside pace" and vice versa thing fell through completely. Screwing up the bilco door screwed up the schedule and now I am having a fit.

I emailed the builder representative this morning and questioned him about when things are going to happen. His answer was pretty much "don't worry about it." I'm sure there were matching hand gestures.

Here's the thing. I am worried about it.

You see, I think we're approaching the end of the honeymoon period of living with my parents.  The other night my dad sat in the living room drinking directly from a near-finished bottle of wine. He didn't want to make another dirty dish or glass. It's probably just my paranoia but I'm thinking they're tired of their dishwasher running all the time.

When I joked with my parents last night that they're turning into my grandparents and bickering over silly things like opening the dishwasher before the dry cycle is over with, my Mom retorted with a "Well, we're tired." I don't know exactly what that meant but I knew it meant something and headed for the solace of our room above the garage, also known as the disaster area where the kids' toys live.

When my Mom comes home from work and we're not outside, she asks me if I've had the girls out for a bike ride. When I say "no," I get this look. The truth is that I would have loved to ride bikes with the girls, but I spent the morning washing my Mom's sofa cushions when Lil C decided that my Mom's sofa resembled a toilet and while I was still cleaning that up, the girls knocked over my glass of iced tea which splashed on the sofa, the rug, my dad's magazines (gasp!) and everything else within a 10 ft. diameter.

To say that I am stressed is sort of an understatement. I'm tired of not knowing where my stuff is located. I'm sick of cleaning up after the girls non-stop. I'm tired of sharing a queen bed with Mr. BBM. I want my king back; and I'm really tired of sharing a bathroom with three other people.

I'm also tired of this knee business. When I wrote about my knee this week, my readers came out en masse and basically said that I'm mental, in a nice way of course. While I don't disagree with this assessment, it's also a fact that my knee hurts. When I took Big I to karate last night, Hanshi began asking me when I was coming back. I asked him when he had time to do a private lesson or two, to just walk through kata slowly without the pressure of feeling like I have to keep up with the class. We started trying to come up with a date and we were back to mid-October when Hanshi strongly suggested I make the trip in tomorrow morning.

Because I haven't been able to think of an excuse worthy of blowing off a 9th degree black belt, I guess I'm going back to karate tomorrow. Why not right? What's one more thing to stress about in the grand scheme of things?

Will I ever be the same?

Last week I was standing in the kitchen talking to my Mom when Lil C came out of nowhere and charged right into my left leg which was straight at the time. I screamed in pain. That knee is just not like the other one. If someone tries to force it beyond a certain point, it is agony-inducing. I fought back the tears and walked it off.

My knee hasn't felt the same since. I'm back to having that squishy feeling in there and I'm sore, so very sore.

Whenever I take Big I to the dojo, everyone is always asking me when I'm planning on coming back. I was planning on coming back within the next week or two. I was going to try it, very slowly and not even commit to completing an entire class. Now I'm not so sure about when I'll be returning.

I'm worried about kneeling. I absolutely can not kneel on my left knee and there is no way I can sit back on my heels the way I used to. My knee just doesn't work like that anymore. I'm worried about not keeping up with everyone else. I'm stressed about kicking, pivoting and turning. If Lil C running into my knee can set me back this far, what if one pivot sets me back further?

As much as I would like to return, I just don't know that I'm entirely ready yet. I'd like to be, but right now I hurt and I'm scared. The combination of the two does not make for a very triumphant return.

Lately I've been feeling so overwhelmed with this knee business. I'm angry that it's taken away so many things I like to do. I can't dance with confidence anymore. I can't really run that well at all. Walking up and down hills is annoying and uncomfortable; and when it's wet outside, I am terrified of falling as I walk down inclines. Walking on the beach is difficult. I won't even consider going in the surf for fear I'll step on uneven sand and screw up my knee even worse. I can't kneel or squat down to play with the girls or tie their shoes. I have to do this adjusted squat which is just plain weird.

I can't tell you how much I wish I had my old knee back. If I could go back in time and sit that last round of sparring out, I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I am never going to be the same again.  I hear about other people returning to their activities and wonder why I can't. I worked hard at PT. I was extremely dedicated, yet the only thing more exercising gave me was more pain.

Before I hurt my knee, getting that black belt seemed very difficult. Now it seems almost impossible. I know it's not about the color belt. For me, it's about the accomplishment. It's about getting that black belt to prove that even a torn ACL couldn't hold me back. It's symbolic of the fighting I've done to get back to normal.

Right now, my knee is holding me back. Getting back to karate seems to be near impossible when you consider that walking down a hill is still a challenge.

I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. It's a horrible feeling. Like the knee pain, I wish it would just go away.

7 Months

In just two days, I will be seven months post-op.  I thought I would be back in the dojo by now, but I'm not, unless you count sitting on the sidelines watching Big I and trying to keep Lil C from running off with one of Hanshi's trophies.  The next opportunity to test for shodan is August.  The next one after that won't be until February.

For the first time in many months, my knee feels. . . good.  One would think I'd be dying to get back in the dojo, but I'm just not quite ready.  After having so much pain for so many months, I am enjoying the fact that I am pretty much pain-free for the first time in a long time.  When I got to this point a couple weeks ago and went to the fitness center, I went right back to square one.  Over the weekend, I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't hurting.  Steps aren't bothering me much at all and although I still favor it and don't squat down on it, even bending and doing things that previously caused me pain, isn't causing me pain. 

It's not like my non-injured knee. I don't think it ever will be.  I still can't kneel.  I can't crawl around on my hands and knees.  I can't squat down on that knee alone.  But I'm feeling better and that has been wonderful.

Because of how I set myself back (going to the fitness center) a few weeks ago after I finally started feeling good, I'm afraid to ruin it.  I'm afraid that if I start working out again or go back to karate now, I'll rebound.  I don't want that to happen.  I can't have that happen with the move coming up.

So, I'm going to wait until August, see how I feel, and then start trying some things out at home before making a return to karate as usual.  I am so afraid of pivoting, twisting and turning.  I have made the decision that I would much rather wait a little longer to return, feeling confident that my knee is completely healed and solid, than return with shaky resolve and potentially set myself back months if not years. 

I'm plugging along.  I'm feeling confident that I'll be able to return.  I'm just not chancing it quite yet.