Black Belt Mama

Making Peace with the Morning

I don't do mornings.  I mean, if I have to, I will.  Three days a week, it's my responsibility to get Big I on the very early bus.  The days when it's not?  I'm praying that Lil C sleeps in until at least 9. 

So, when I was told last week that I had to schedule my physical therapy early in the morning since the office will be closing for the afternoon on one of my days, I begrudgingly made my appointment and told myself one day wouldn't kill me.  It's true.  One day wouldn't kill me, but one day quickly turned into two days when I showed up early today (not the day I was supposed to show up early).

My PT looked at me kind of funny when I walked in.  "What?" I asked him, "not used to seeing me in the morning or do I look that bad?" 

He laughed and said, "No, it's just that you're not supposed to be here until after 3 today." 

"But you have a half day today!" I said.

"That's Friday," he said and laughed some more.

I hate exercising in the morning and now I'm going to have to do it twice in one week.  Apparently I'm trying to kill myself. 

I spent the entire weekend slacking on my exercises.  I figured that my dancing to one Prince song and "In Da Club" was exercise enough.  I was sore after that, even though I mainly danced on one leg (Nothing can hold me back when Prince comes on). 

What I found out this morning is that morning exercise actually loosens the knee up a whole lot better than my normal daily routine of walking back and forth from the kitchen for more coffee.  In fact, I doubt I even needed more coffee when I got home because I'm wide awake.  There's nothing quite like a brisk walk on the treadmill to get you going. 

I'm not saying this is going to become a routine thing, and I definitely won't say I'm happy about having to wake up and go work out on Friday morning too.  I'm just saying that maybe mornings and I can agree to be friends.

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Back on the Floor

I drove Big I to karate tonight and I couldn't help but think that in just a few weeks, I could be training again.  I was daydreaming about what it will feel like to tell everyone "I'm back!"  I have not set foot on the training floor since my injury in October.  It's been a really long time.

As I entered the dojo tonight, my teacher commented about how well I was walking around.  I told him that I'm getting there and hoping to return (slowly) in June.  Somehow the conversation turned to Sanchin.  I said I didn't know it and he said he would teach me.  I thought it would be from the sidelines.

I was having a conversation with another Mom in the dojo when Hanshi summoned me from the upstairs training floor.  He told me take my shoes off and come out on the floor.  I took my shoes off, threw my jacket and purse on the bench and walked out.  It felt really strange being back on the floor, but even more so in jeans. 

Hanshi explained Sanchin and talked about the meaning of the number "three" within our system and how it relates to pretty much everything in our style.  And then we started.  In a casual stance, I stood there and worked on Sanchin breathing.  Then we added hand motions.  When it was time to get into the Sanchin stance, I just kept my feet facing forward and didn't worry about my stance.  I spent about 40 minutes out on the floor walking through Sanchin with the rest of the class, careful not to pivot on my knee or do anything that would cause a problem. 

I wanted to be completely immersed in learning Sanchin but I couldn't help but think about my knee almost constantly.  I tried to get into a good nai hanchi stance but it was really difficult to do.  Like squats, I continue to put more weight on my right leg, not yet trusting my left knee to keep up with the right.  I knew I was going to need some work on basics again but I had no idea how much.

I also tried to stand in cat stance with my weight on my left leg and that was nearly impossible and painful.  My knee cap area just started to ache and I backed off.  At one point while standing there, I started to think about how good it felt to be back out there again; but then I almost welled up with tears thinking about how difficult a journey it's going to be to get back to where I used to be. 

The reality that it is going to take me months just to get my body to do the basic things that it used to do without thinking is hitting me hard tonight.  After knocking out all the things I couldn't do at home, like carrying Lil C up and down the stairs and even something so simple as alternating steps when going up and down, I mistakenly believed I was almost there.

Going back to karate is going to pose an entirely different set of challenges.  Tomorrow, when I go to PT, I'm going to talk to my physical therapist about the stances I'll need to use and ask him to help me get there.  I realized tonight that the mental aspect of coming back is going to be the hardest part, but the physical part isn't going to be a cake walk either. 

The Countdown Begins

I saw my surgeon yesterday and it was a good visit.  In six weeks I will see him again and he will order me my custom acl brace that I'll need to officially return to karate.  As soon as I have my brace and as soon as I feel ready, I can return.  The only limitations I will have are the ones I put on myself.  My surgeon recommended a few: no sparring for a while (quite a while), and find another way to bow to the shinza.  He said my kneecap will still feel "crunchy" for a while, possibly forever.  Right now, there is absolutely no way I can be on my knees at all.  I'm also very nervous about pivoting and kicking and will need to discuss these issues with my PT in the weeks to come.  I need to build up my confidence and I want to do that in the PT room under a watchful eye, not in the dojo.

I found out yesterday that my surgeon is a black belt in Shotokan karate.  He got his black belt when he was in college.  I didn't know I had a black belt for a surgeon, but knowing that made me feel really good about all the decisions that he has helped me to make.  He knows what it's all about and he understands the types of things I want to be able to do. 

We talked for a bit about how all the knee replacement people come and go and I'm still there, busting my butt in the PT room.  He said that the difference between them and me is that they have plateaued while I continue to improve.  That made me feel good too. 

I went to PT after my appointment and asked my PT about adding back into the routine the single leg press.  I'm now pressing 100 lbs with both legs and 25 on the single leg press.  The key to avoiding knee irritation with the leg press is to press with the heels, not the toes.  I was able to make it through three sets of the single leg press without any issues.  We also upped my weight on the leg extensions and on the pulley apparatus, where I get to walk away with the harness around my waist and then stand on my ACL leg for 5 seconds at a time. 

I am more determined than ever to build up this leg muscle and get back to the dojo training floor.  I will definitely need to start slow and my instructors will all need to know my limitations (because I am not tearing this ACL again and will not be doing anything I'm not completely comfortable doing); but I am counting down the days now until I can return.  I can't wait to put that gi back on.

Houston, We Have Contact

It was a very temporary lull. 

Yesterday, with witnesses, my heel finally made contact with my butt.  It was a wonderful moment, one I will cherish for the rest of my life.  You may think I'm kidding, but I'm really not.  I told my PT that it was the day; I was determined to make it happen. I stretched and worked it out for about five minutes and then I gave my foot an extra tug and there it was.  I didn't just graze my butt either.  My heel made good contact.  There was applause and cheering (mostly my own) and it completely made my day. 

My heel and butt have not been in contact since October.  They are so happy to be reunited.  "Reunited and it feels so good. . . "

My PT also put me back on the leg extension torture contraption.  This time he limited my range of motion.  It went much better and I'm not even sore today.  I haven't felt this good in a very long time.

I celebrated with a trip to Pier One and Ann Taylor Loft.  I bought new pillows for my bed and I found the perfect pair of black pants.  Men may not appreciate finding the perfect pair of black pants, but for a woman it's pretty much the equivalent of finding a long lost relic.  I bought new pants, a top, flat shoes (since heels are still off limits) and some jewelry with my gift cards that have been burning a hole in my pocket since Christmas.  A new outfit for a new attitude.  I'm officially on the comeback part of this journey. 

After being totally bummed about HGTV, yesterday was a really nice change.  Last night, I checked my email and there was a note from the producer of "Summer Showdown."  In the email she said that out of thousands of entries, we were in the top 10.  Because they liked us so much, they are forwarding our video, application and information on to all other Pie Town Productions for consideration.  So, maybe I'll get my TV time anyway someday.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my new carpet (being installed tomorrow), my new outfit and my brand new attitude.  The journey to Shodan and beyond feels like it's officially back on track.

***All is definitely not lost on the fame front.  On Sunday at 5 p.m., I'll be the guest on Karl's Blog Talk Radio show.  I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to talk about (suggestions on this front?  Put them below) and am super nervous; but if you've been dying to know what my voice sounds like, please tune in.  There's a live chat that takes place while I'm on air and you can even call in and ask questions.  Just don't put me on the spot about anything.  Remember, the blog is mightier than the sword and paybacks are a, well, you know. . .   

16 Weeks

I hit the 16 week post-op point last week.  It marked another change to the recovery regime.  My PT added leg extensions and they went fine while I was there.  It was later in the night that I started to hurt and I continued to hurt for the next two days. 

Back at PT on Friday, my PT said he's taking them out of the routine for now.  My knee cap is getting too irritated and I need to build up my quad more before adding them in again.  It took a good four days for my knee to stop hurting and being so stiff.  I'm just sick of set-backs like this.  A week earlier I was a degree from touching my butt and on Friday I couldn't even get close from being so sore.

I see my surgeon next Friday.  I had high hopes of getting my brace ordered and planning my triumphant return to karate.  I just don't know if that's going to happen yet.  While my Mom and Mr. BBM have remarked about how muscular my legs are getting, the left one still lags considerably behind.  Mr. BBM says there's not much of a difference but I think he's just being nice. 

Mark the calendar people.  It's time for another feeling sorry for myself session.  Let's hope it's the last one.

If you can't bring the heel to the butt. . .

I am just one finger away from having my heel touch my butt.  One finger.  That is it; and it seems like it's going to be impossible to get it to go just that teeny tiny little bit further. 

Today I told my PT I have a plan.  Instead of continuing to torture myself with painful flexion, I'm just going to start eating lots and lots of ice cream and potato chips.  If I can't get my heel to my skinny butt, then I'll bulk up the butt and bring it to my heel. 

My PT and another ACL recoveree thought it was pretty funny.  Personally, I think it's pretty smart.  Bigger buns are in these days anyway right?  The problem is that with all the biking, treadmilling, and leg pressing I'm doing, I'm tightening up and making getting that heel to touch that much harder. 

Bring on the mint chocolate chip and salt & vinegar potato chips.  I've got a plan and I'm prepared to use it.

PT for Everyone!

I once had to take the girls with me to PT, but it was only for about 10 minutes.  Mr. BBM showed up and took them home before they had the chance to do any serious damage.  Since then, they've asked if they could go along with me from time to time.  It's like they think they serve ice cream there or something.  Yesterday, they had to go for the full almost two hours.  It was as if I brought live entertainment to the PT room. 

When we arrived, it was packed.  Spring must be surgery season.  Four tables were filled up leaving one for me.  Several people were also circuiting through their exercise routines.  I set the girls up on a low padded table that no one ever uses.  Mickey Mouse Park came out of Lil C's bag along with all of her Mickey Mouse Clubhouse characters.  Big I got to work on her homework. 

Lil C felt it necessary to unpack her entire entertainment bag so in no time at all the rather large table was littered with Dora diapers, Mickey characters and a random Teddy Graham or eight.  Like the angel that she is, Big I was quiet and completed her homework without making a peep.  Then there was Lil C. 

Always needing to be the center of attention, she started talking and loudly right away.  She had to confirm everything that was happening to Mommy's knee.  "You laying down now Mommy?";  "You putting heat on your knee Mommy?";  "You all done yet Mommy?" she asked me every 10 minutes or so.  The other patients smiled with amusement at her boisterous and talkative manner.  When my PT asked me if I wanted some reading material, I refused.  "I left it at home for a reason," I told him.  "She could turn into a little devil in no time at all."

Things got entertaining when Big I finished up her homework and got out her two new library books.  One of them was a dinosaur book.  Big I began turning the pages and showing the pictures to Lil C.  It was super quiet at the time so Lil C's very loud, "Oh Wow!  Look at the Dio-Whore" echoed around the room.  Everyone sort of stopped what they were doing and looked at her and then at me.

"Yes," I confirmed from the floor where I was doing some stretching, "she said 'dio-whore'.  That's what she calls them."  An eruption of laughter took hold of the room and even the poor guy fresh from surgery laughed until he almost cried.  Realizing she was a "hit," Lil C continued to talk about "dio-whores" for the next 15 minutes. 

Then she made friends.  One of my PT buddies came in with her older daughter and they made the mistake of engaging Lil C in conversation.  She spent the next hour talking to them loudly, telling them all about her Mickey guys, sharing the fact that she had burped with them, and even going so far as to make her Mickey characters use the one woman's head as a sliding board. 

She also played some April Fool's jokes which she learned like a pro from her sister earlier in the week and told several people "you have a bunch of bugs on your head."  She was a real hit.

With 15 minutes left in my routine, she decided she was bored and ready to go home.  She packed the important things up into her bag, leaving behind her diapers and random Teddy Grahams and dragged her filled up bag towards the door.

"I am going home," she announced with a pout on her face.  She spent the last 10 minutes of our visit to PT glaring at me as I walked backwards on the treadmill. When I was finally done, there was Teddy Graham carnage to be cleaned from the table, and two very bored kids. I highly doubt there will be much interest in accompanying me back to PT anytime soon.  It's certainly lost its allure for them.

It hasn't for me though.  I hit 154 degrees yesterday.  Only one more to go.

A Giant Leap Forward

Spring has brought to the physical therapy room yet another new ACL surgery recoveree.  I met him last week when he was at his first visit post-surgery.  It was a very good reminder for me of how far I've come.  When he found out how long ago I had surgery (December) he and his wife were shocked that I was still there at PT.  It's a very long road; I told him to prepare for it.  I also told him to get himself some prune juice. 

While he worked on some painful leg raises, I worked on getting my heel to greet my butt.  I am so close now. It's hurting a lot less and my extension remains good.  Yesterday I pushed it past 150 degrees.  I have less than five to go. 

While he was working on pushing his flexion to 80 degrees, I was standing on one leg on a foam block playing catch with a weighted ball. I told him to go to his "special place" when I noticed the pained expression on his face.  That first week was horrendous, and one I don't wish to ever relive.  I made it through that week by going to the beach in my head.  Staying in that PT room while working on flexion was just too painful and difficult.

When I was finished celebrating from that little feat, I rode 4 miles on the bike in 15 minutes and then moved on to my other exercises.  I bumped up my leg press to 80 lbs. and for the first time in weeks, I bumped my weight up on the leg curl machine as well.  It finally felt easy.  Yesterday felt like real progress. 

Last night, Mr. BBM and I were filming an interview tape for consideration to be on a TV show (more details to come if we get chosen), and for part of the video I put my gi on.  It felt so strange putting it on again for the first time since October.  Mr. BBM retrieved my belt from my belt display and I tied it on like it had been only yesterday when the injury happened.  I'm getting the itch to return like I've never had it before. 

I was adding an appointment to my calendar for April this week and noticed that I have another post-op appointment with my surgeon at the end of April.  This is the appointment where he'll determine if I'm ready to be fitted for my sports brace.  I am determined to push myself really hard this month to build up those muscles and get fitted for that brace.  It's just another forward step in the process of returning to what I love.

I'm focusing on taking it in small steps so as not to reinjure myself or take a step backward.  Right now though, every degree in flexion and every pound I can bump up in weight feels like a giant leap forward.  Real measurable progress feels so good.

The Underwear Issue. . . Again

This is just one of the many reasons why I wanted to wear underwear during my ACL surgery.  Seriously.  Thank God I got a new ACL and not a new. . . go see for yourself.

Today I was relaying this story to my PT while on the leg press machine.  One of the surgeons walked by and asked what we were talking about.  My PT deferred to me and I told him.  I told him that I was telling my PT to explain why I was so obsessed with being able to wear my underwear before I went in for surgery.

The surgeon stood there stone-faced, then asked me, "Who's your surgeon?"

I told him my surgeon's name and he said, "Ahh, well, then you didn't need to worry.  He doesn't operate on assholes." 

Good to know.  I felt like it was a compliment.

Three Months and Counting

Yesterday marked three months since my ACL reconstruction.  I am officially at the half way point now and it feels good to be able to start counting days on the other end of the spectrum until I can go back to karate.  Most of my swelling is gone, although a small bit still remains.  One of the scars is barely visible; the others will make my summer wardrobe take on a warrior look.

 

After being so sick last week, I lost seven pounds.  I feel like those seven pounds came directly off my recovering leg.  PT was challenging last week as I got back into the swing of things.  This week, my PT is going to start me on some crazy weighted exercises where he puts a harness around my waist and I get to run away from the machine, pivot and then stand there while the weight tries to pull me back.  It's better than being harnessed to a person on a stool with wheels, which I hear is a common practice for ACL recoverees. 

Currently my extension (how flat and straight I can get my leg) is pretty good.  But I do have to work at it a bit to get it all the way down.  My flexion (how far I can bend my leg) is getting there although these last degrees have been hard to come by.  I'm currently fluctuating between 145-148 degrees of flexion, not normal for most people, but not good enough for a gumby-like character like me.  My other foot will flop back and easily touch my butt and that's the goal for my recovering leg as well.  155 is the number that I need to get to in order for that to happen.  It still hurts like hell when I'm pushing it to get another degree.  I can't imagine that changing anytime soon, but will look forward to the day it does.

I'm still going down the stairs like Lil C.  Bad leg, good leg, one step at a time.  It makes for very slow progress, progress that is sometimes too slow for even Lil C.  Right now, it's still putting too much pressure on the front of my knee. I sometimes can't imagine what it will be like to be able to just run up or down the stairs.  I've seen many men come back faster in this area and I think it's directly related to their amount of muscle versus mine (think stick legs).   

With spring and summer right around the corner, I've become much more concerned about the disparity between my two legs.  One goes to -20 extension; the other hits 0 and that's it.  One has a muscular thigh; the other is still lagging considerably behind.  I imagine I'll have a lot of explaining to do as the pants get shorter and swimsuit season arrives. 

The biggest challenge of this entire process has been staying on top of my exercises.  It's so easy to just watch "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" or another repeat on HGTV instead of riding the bike.  The PT gets very monotonous, time-consuming and frustrating.  I think that as the weather warms, I'll be more inspired to stay on the exercise train.  It's been far to easy to fall off after being sick and nursing the girls back to health as well as keeping our house spotless all the time for potential showings.

I am hoping that in another three months I can report that I've survived my first night back in the dojo.  Summer is always such a great time for karate.  Being able to get outside and work with the bo, and breaking a good sweat at class is always enjoyable.  I'm looking forward to being able to do that soon.  The countdown starts now.

Three months to go. . .