Black Belt Mama

My TD Dance

For the first time ever, in the history of the 2007 Fantasy Football season, I have WON in not one, but BOTH leagues AT THE SAME TIME!  In one of my leagues, I won 100-85!  The scores have been tallied. It's all over y'all.  WOO HOO! 

In the other league, I am winning 130-54 and get this. . . Ladainian Tomlinson has yet to play for me!  So what that Bradstein's team has Addai and a kicker left.  I'm up by 76 points.  I think I'm good.

If I had two legs on which to do a celebration dance, I would indeed do so.  Since I can't, here's a little example of what I would do.  Enjoy!

The Quarterback Jinx

I have the ability to single-handedly ruin your fantasy football season.  I can also ruin your opponent's season.  Want to know how?  All I need to know is which Quarterback you (or your opponent) are planning on starting.  Once I know this, I will obtain this QB off the waiver wires (if available) and start him myself.  Within the first half of the game, I can, with almost 100% certainty, guarantee that said QB will be removed from the game due to an injury.  I am a QB jinx like no other. 

Let's start with the draft.  Because I was feeling super confident about my first two round RB choices in the draft (Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson of Min.), I went with a QB in Round three.  I chose Marc Bulger.  Within the first few games, it was very clear I had made a serious mistake.  St. Louis can't do anything right this year and they are ALL considerably banged up.  Sunday was Bulger's big come back game.  He managed to throw three interceptions.  He was also sacked seven times.  He got a whopping -1 fantasy point.   I'm just thanking my lucky stars he was on my bench.

I was fortunate enough to pick up Ben Roethlisberger in that league as well.  He has been mostly fabulous. However, his bye week brought a pick up of Kurt Warner, Arizona's now injured QB. (I also picked him up in my other league too-I should have known right there that I was doomed).   He banged up his left elbow, had a miserable game, and I started wondering what was going on with the elbows!

In my other league, I drafted Vince Young.  Young was supposed to be a major stud this year, and instead he's left much to be desired.  I didn't mind though, because I had drafted Jake Delhomme as well.  Jake Delhomme got a season-ending elbow injury and that was that.  Delhomme had surgery on that elbow last week.  I think I'll do him a favor and not draft him next year so he can have a healthy season.

I also had Trent Green.  Not only is Green out for the season with yet another severe concussion; he very well may call it quits entirely since the last thing he wants to do is be permanently brain damaged by taking another blow to the head.

With Delhomme and Green out for the season, and Warner out after playing on my team for only one miserable game, I had to pick up someone else.  I was also hurting in my other league with Big Ben on a bye week since I was unwilling to let Young back at the helm.  Because I am thoroughly convinced that I am jinxing these guys, I decided to pick up two different QB's: one for each team. 

I went with Jeff Garcia in my one league who ended up with 25 points on my bench (o.k. since Big Ben got me over 30 as my starter).  I chose David Garrard for my other team.  Guess what happened?  Garrard, who needed to have a Manning/Brady-esque like game for me to even be close to winning this week, went out of the game with a knee injury about half way through the game, after getting me exactly two fantasy points.  Two.

Now I'm in need of another QB, so I thought I should give all fantasy players fair warning that if you have the same QB I'll be picking up, you might want to have a back-up plan. 

And since you're probably wondering. . . I'm in 8th out of 10 teams in one league and 7th out of 8 teams in the other league.  Yes, my season has just been fabulous.

***The BBM Review is getting into full swing now!  I've added two additional writers (who are equally fabulous), and we have lots of awesome products coming in to be reviewed in the next few weeks.  Check out the new writers' bio write-ups (Scroll down for the new guys) over at The BBM Review and make sure you check back often for great product advice, and contest information. 

 

The Agony, The Ecstacy

You should know that I despise the Dallas Cowboys.  I can't stand TO (drama queen), and for as long as I can remember I just haven't liked them as a team.  It's practically a requirement when you live where I live.  You are brought up hating the Cowboys because they're, well, the Cowboys.  Cheering for them just isn't done. 

For that reason, you'll have to keep this between us. 

Last night, I jumped so high that I almost hit the ceiling when Nick Folk (Dallas Cowboy kicker) nailed a 53 yard field goal, not once but twice.  TWICE!  You see, when Folk nailed that kick and several others that night, he was contributing to my fantasy football win by exactly one point (73-72). 

I had joked the entire day that I needed Folk to have a career night.  I needed him to get 20 fantasy points to win, and 20 fantasy points is exactly what he got.  I can't remember the last time I was that happy. 

Mr. BBM was laughing at me as I began leaping around my living room, high fiving him, jumping up and down and yelling with excitement and laughter.

This, my friends, is what fantasy football does to you.  It makes you cheer for a Cowboy. 

In my other league, I'm not faring as well having lost again (102-98).  You know you're having a bad day when your tight end outscores your QB Vince Young (a whopping two fantasy points), LenDale White (a pathetic one point), Deion Branch (one point before leaving the game with an injury), and Jerricho Cotchery (three lousy points) combined.  With a combined seven points between those four, my tight end, Ben Watson, outscored them all by 21 points.  That's just wrong.

If I had played Brian Leonard, in place of LenDale White, I would have won.  If I had played Derrick Ward instead of White, I would have won.  Nothing is more aggravating than that, except perhaps the outscoring issue as noted above. 

I'm also surfing the waiver wires for new QB's.  Trent Green is done; so is Delhomme, and I'm just not feeling confident resting all my fantasy eggs in Vince Young's two-point getting basket.

It seems it has become impossible to win games in both leagues at the same time.  It's just not going to happen.  If that does happen, it could be very bad for my ceiling and my head.

Who was your biggest disappointment this week?  Who made you want to jump for joy?

***I know I have some design savvy readers out there.  I will be launching a new blog soon called "BBM Thinks. . . ".  This blog will be home to reviews of all different kinds of books, products, etc.  Because I am completely clueless in the design department, I thought I might open it up to my fabulous readers.  If you can create an interesting header for the blog, you will receive design credit on the site with a link back to your site and/or email.  Interested?  Shoot me an email or leave me a comment letting me know. 

A Letter to the Saints

Dear Drew Brees,

If at all possible, would you do me a favor tonight?  You see, I need you to get -13 points.  You can do this by throwing 13 interceptions and getting less than 25 passing yards.  I would greatly appreciate it. 

Thanks,

BBM (Pathetic Owner of Team Craptastic which will go to 0-3 unless Drew Brees listens. . . )

Dear Marques Colston,

I need you to get 35 points tonight.  It's not that hard to do.  Kevin Curtis did it yesterday; I have faith that you can too.  There's only one thing.  You have to get these 35 points without Drew Brees getting any fantasy points.   If you could figure out a way to work that out, I would be very appreciative.

Sincerely,

BBM (Owner of MARMAD, which will lose its undefeated title this week unless you can come through for me. . .)

You better believe there will be some more love letters this week. . .

Love Letters

I wanted to throw my remote through my TV, my computer out the window, and put my foot through the wall.  Instead, I figured I'd vent my frustration here.  To steal Sarah's line, "To some of you, this will sound like blah, blah, blah," but for those of you who know anything about fantasy football, you will feel my pain.  If you have the same players I do, you will feel it so much that it will be physical pain. 

Dear Reggie Brown (Phila. WR),

How are you today?  Trust me, you're better than I am today.  You see, last night you were my only hope, sort of like my Obi-Wan Kenobi.  I needed seven points.  SEVEN.  Instead you gave me two.  TWO!!!  Seven is not that difficult to manage.  Those points could have come in the form of one touchdown pass and ten receiving yards.  Or, forget the scoring altogether.  Seventy receiving yards would have been sufficient.  It's not all that difficult to do.  If Larry Fitzgerald can do that with Matt Leinart throwing at him, certainly you can manage that with Donovan McNabb throwing to you, right?  Of course, I do realize that it's not all your fault.  Trust me when I say that McNabb is also getting a "love letter" from me today.  So, because of your abysmal performance for the last two weeks, you will be benched this weekend.  Please take this as an opportunity to further rest, because if you score on my bench, you're not even going to want to open the envelope of my next letter. 

Sincere-NOT-ly,
BBM (formerly of team BBM-now renamed Team Sucks)

Dear Donovan McNabb:

You're not even on my team, but I felt I would be remiss if I didn't write you as well.  What is up with you and your lousy passing???  Reggie can not catch the ball with his feet.  He does NOT have go-go-gadget arms either.  A thrown pass should be just that, a thrown pass, not a hurtling through the universe rocket.  It's back to basics for you this week McNabb.  Get some practice throwing a catchable ball.  Oh, and who the heck is Jason Avant???  What does a top WR have to do to get some more action from you?  Take you to dinner?  A movie?  What?  You tell me and I'll pass it along to Reggie.

Yours in frustration,
BBM

Dear Ladainian Tomlinson (San Diego RB-5 lousy points):

Two years ago, you were on my team.  You were awesome, right up until the fantasy football playoffs, where you decided to rest on the sidelines, killing my chances of winning.  Thanks-not sure if I ever properly thanked you for that.  Anyway, um, what's up with the 18 carries for only 43 yards and NO scores, huh!?!  You were my shoe-in, my one guarantee on a roster that otherwise sucks (like my new team name)!  I am counting on you to get your running butt in gear next week.  You are LT, for goodness sakes!  Let's see the LT that I know and love!  I saw an ad that you're featured in this week.  It says, "Stoppable?  Yes, I stop when I score."  Prove it LT!  PROVE IT!  Do you know that I had to change my team logo from the Japanese characters that mean "Nintai" (Persevere), to this logo:

   

Help me take this team out of the crapper and restore some respect LT! 

Yours in disgust,
BBM

Dear Maurice Jones-Drew (Jac RB-proud getter of a whopping 4 points):

Seriously.  Can you please get your act together?  You are KILLING me.  KILLING ME!

Worst Regards,
BBM

Dear Deion Branch (Seattle WR-17 points ON MY BENCH!!!):

The week before, you did not catch a single pass.  Not one.  Nada.  Now that you're sitting on my bench,  you give me 17 points.  Do you realize that if I had played you, I would have won this week???  Instead I am sitting in the basement with Papa Bradstein.  Good company and all, but I'd prefer to not be sitting on two losses.  Do me a favor, will you?  If you're going to decide to show up again this week, can you please send me a memo or something? 

Thanks NOT,
BBM

The good news is that I am sitting on two wins in one league, but it's just plain embarrassing when you can't manage a single win in your own league.  As they say in fantasy football, there's always next week.  Feel free to add your "love letters" below, unless of course your players are awesome and you've made all the right decisions so far.  In that case, keep your good news to yourself.  No, seriously.

Fantasy Football: A Draft No-No

Last night was my first draft of the fantasy football season.  There were ten teams and we had the sixth pick.  We were doing just fine, despite the fact that Mr. BBM had a very last minute trip and had to be in North Carolina instead of sitting beside me in the "war room" (aka the family room).  He got on his computer in the hotel.  I got on mine, and we conference called our draft.  My parents even came down to watch the kids so I could freak out in peace.  Fantasy football drafts get me totally stressed.  I'm just a tad bit obsessive about it. 

We ended up with the following starters:

QB:  Vince Young
RB:  Willie Parker
RB:  Laurence Maroney
RB/WR:  Donald Driver
WR:  Torry Holt
WR:  Marques Colston
TE:  Kellen Winslow
D/ST:  Dolphins
K:  Olindo Mare

We also ended up with some o.k. bench-goers (and some not o.k. bench-goers):

QB:  Trent Green
WR:  Deion Branch
WR:  Chris Chambers
RB:  LenDale White
TE:  Owen Daniels
RB:  Warrick Dunn

But the draft software was causing problems throughout.  People were unable to choose and the auto picker would just do it for you.  People were getting frustrated, but none more frustrated than Mr. BBM and I as both of our computers completely froze up and the auto picker chose for us. . .  are you ready for this. . . because I almost threw my computer completely out the window. . .

Michael Vick.

WHAT?!?!?  $%#^&^*)+@#$$@!@ 

This is why, my friends, you must always pre-rank your players and move dog-fighting idiots like Vick to the bottom of the barrel just in case you have a computer freeze up.  So, we could have done a lot better if we hadn't had to waste a pick on Vick, but considering the circumstances, I think we'll do o.k.  Or at least I hope we'll do o.k.

Every team it seems, ended up with at least one or two players they didn't want at all.  Of course, most of those players will just suck or be sitting on the sidelines, not sitting behind bars, so we've already dropped Vick and will be picking up someone a little less. . . criminal, someone a little more available. 

Fantasy Football Lesson #1:  Move ALL criminals to the bottom of your pre-rank list because your computer will inevitably freeze at a crucial moment, if your luck is anything like mine.   

Top Secret Draft Strategy

It's that time of year again, when ordinary people start watching the pre-season football games with a notepad, hoping for divine intervention and direction during the two minutes the starters are playing.  This year, I'm playing in two fantasy football leagues.  I'm the league manager for a blogger league, featuring some of the most talented bloggers in the biz like Papa Bradstein, Jenn Maniacal, Goon Squad Sarah, Da Mack Daddy, Tenitems August, Marcus Aurelius (who is actually more of my sidekick helping to make the comments section rock-where is your blog anyway?), a myspacer (who I'm going to convert I tell you-convert, convert, convert!) and yours truly.  It should be a lot of fun.

I'm also playing in another league with some friends and family and I'm looking forward to that as well.  Because it's that time of year, it's also time to release my top secret fantasy football draft strategy, which has a few updates from last year.  Anyone playing in a league with me this year should definitely exit now. 

Are they gone yet? 

Good.  Here goes. . .

BBM's Top Secret Fantasy Football Draft Strategy

Round 1- Draft a kicker on a bad team.  If they can't score touch downs, they'll be scoring field goals instead.

Round 2- Draft a back-up kicker.  Your first pick is going to have a bye at some point right?

Round 3- Draft a defense.  You know those top five ranked defenses?  Yeah, I read some stuff.  They're all SO overrated.  We want to choose someone at the bottom of that list.  Then we can brag about it when our underrated defense comes through. Sleepers are key.

Round 4- Draft a back-up defense.  Choose a team that has a beat-up D.  The teams are just lying about the injuries anyway to throw good people like us off.

Round 5- Now is the time to take a tight end.  We don't want one of the top ranked ones though.  They get the ball all the time, which means they're likely to be hit more and therefore injured.

Round 6- Just in case, get a back-up TE.

Round 7- We're totally waiting to draft a wide receiver until now.  If there's a decent D left though, we might pick up a third.  Ditto on kickers and tight ends too. 

Round 8-  Now it's time to look at running backs.  You certainly don’t want to do this before Round 8.  They'll be plenty of good ones left at this point.  Jerome Bettis is still playing, right? 

Round 9- I'm thinking it's QB time.  Michael Vick is looking good people.  Really good.  Indicted, likely to be convicted?  Eh, he’s still a very worthy fantasy pick. 

Round 10-  Back-up QB.  Who needs one?  Vick will be playing every game for sure.  All that hype about him not being able to attend training camp is just to throw fantasy footballers off.  It's better to get another kicker now, just to be safe. 

Round 11-  Maybe another kicker now?  I mean, you can never have too many kickers.

Round 12- WR, because all the good ones will still be left.

Round 13- RB, there are a lot of good ones hanging out at the end of the rankings.  I can't wait to get my hands on "No-Name Two-Left-Feet".  He's going to be all the rage this year.

Round 14- WR time again.  Who says 2 yards isn't a good reception?  Pshaw, not me!

Round 15- RB, because you have to have two starters.  RB's are a dime a dozen.  No worries with this draft choice. . .

So, what do you think?  Will it work?

Any teams playing with me this year can leave now.  I know you're reading this!  This post is finished.  See you at the draft.  Don't mess me up or try to steal my strategy, or you're going DOWN! 

Psst, hey you. . . yeah you, the one reading this. . . the person NOT playing in my fantasy leagues this year. . . do you think this will work on the newbies in the league?  (Rubbing hands together with evil laugh). 

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?!?

It was the end of August last year when my cousin called and asked if I wanted to play Fantasy Football in her league. 

What?

What the hell is that?  How could you possibly combine the words fantasy and football?  (I've always been more of an ice hockey girl, so it was even more confusing to me).  How could fantasy football possibly be any fun?  I had no clue.  I said something to my husband about it, and he was into it so we signed up.  We had no clue how our lives would change. 

We created a team name and logo combining our two favorite teams, Steelers and Eagles, and created Team Steagles.  Because we only had four teams in our league last year, our team was stacked.  We had Ladainian Tomlinson, Edgerrin James, Jeremy Shockey, Torry Holt, Larry Fitzgerald, Hines Ward and the Bears defense.  At first I was disappointed when I saw who the auto-draft gave us.  I had no clue who any of these players were and thought we got the short end of the stick.  My husband was excited about our picks, and I soon learned that we had quite a team. 

Sunday mornings became less about political talk shows and more about getting grocery shopping done so that we could be home for the first kick-off.  We spent every Sunday entrenched in each and every football game on TV, watching the Live Scoring with excitement and anticipation.  We spent a lot of time cursing Shaun Alexander, Santana Moss, and Larry Johnson.  We spent even more time trying to convince Big I that football was infinitely more exciting than the Disney Channel.  Monday nights were the same.  We found ourselves staying up entirely too late to watch the end of each and every game (O.k. I lie there.  It wasn't "we".  It was more like me, and me alone watching football into the early morning hours.).  If we won, I figured it was worthy of waking my husband and whispering the results.  If we lost, I'd get started looking at our line-up for the following week. 

Because I was extremely pregnant when the whole fantasy football thing kicked off, I wasn't sure how into it I would be.  However, my due date was on a Monday and as the season continued, I was very upset that I would be in the hospital for Monday night football due to my scheduled induction.  During the worst of the contractions, the football game was on.  As the contractions became really painful I had my husband turn down the volume so that I could concentrate; but I didn't want him to turn the TV off entirely.  I had to see how bad the damage was going to be from our opponent's star running back, Larry Johnson.  I think the nurses and my midwife were a little shocked by my insistence that the game stay ON.  I think my husband was grateful for the distraction from my moaning in agony during the contractions. 

I thought that after the baby was born, I wouldn't have time to adjust my roster each week.  But there I was, nursing an infant and yelling upstairs to my husband, inquiring as to who we should "play" each week. 

When playoffs rolled around, our formerly stellar players were sitting the bench or producing next to nothing.  I was very disappointed and that is putting it nicely.  We ended up losing in the first round (Thanks a lot Larry Johnson) and then losing the second round as well.  We went from being the top scorer to last place in the standings.  I was a little bit upset and spiraled into a fantasy football induced depression, or something like that. 

This year my cousin told me she's too busy to run the league.  So, we called ESPN, where we run our league, and had them give me "the power."  My cousin and I were both on the phone and the guy was helping us set things up.  He was drafting his team while talking to us and when he asked us to hold for a minute, my cousin called him on it.  "You're putting us on hold to do your draft pick, aren't you?"  He tried to deny it, but then laughed and admitted to it.  Then we started hounding him about his draft choices, and my cousin and I started talking trash amongst ourselves while he was setting things up.  The customer service guy stopped in his tracks after listening to our little exchange and said, "Are you girls married?".  "Yeah," we responded back.  "Your husbands are some lucky guys," he said.  I would have to agree with that completely.

After being given "the powers," I have now gone from last place to League Commissioner.  That means I get to set the draft order (rubs hands together and evil laugh ensues), set the rules (evil laugh gets louder), and have veto power (throws head back in evil laugh crescendo). 

But my fellow team owners shouldn't be worried.  I'll be fair. . . sure I will.

Oh, and if you happen to be reading this and you are one of the teams in my league. . . you didn't see that last paragraph.  You will forget that there ever was a last paragraph.  You do not know what evil laughs are, and know that your league commissioner is a fair and decent person.  One thing you do know though. . . you're goin' DOWN!

If you have any fantasy football draft advice you'd like to pass along, please, help a girl out. . .