Black Belt Mama

The Desire to be Better

Tonight there were only three of us in class, including the teacher. Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Even when you're a black belt, it's still possible to be the one on the training floor with the least amount of experience. It's still possible to feel like a complete and total beginner.

I had sort of hoped that the promotion would bring with it less self-doubt and that I'd catch on to stuff more quickly but that's definitely not true. Where are the black belts with super powers people? Mine was not pre-loaded! Tonight I had to resist the temptation to tap it and say "Is this thing on?"

We started off with simple moving blocking drills and then, as always on Monday night classes, things got a little more challenging. Soon we were working on off-balancing techniques. Then it was no longer in a straight line and it was free form. One attacker, one person working the techniques.

I found myself getting really frustrated at times. For the most part, I was able to get out of the way of the incoming attacks (besides the overhead strike that landed on my eyebrow and a few others that didn't repel away from me like I had sort of hoped they would. Oh yeah, and minus the time I went skidding across the floor on my butt like some cartoon character), but I was putting myself in such a position where I was eliminating any opportunity for a counter-strike.

Thankfully my teacher, who's been taking martial arts since he was practically in diapers, has super powers. He seems to have the ability to be able to read my thoughts, notice exactly what I'm doing wrong, and simultaneously figure out how to help me fix it.

It happens in baby steps, but at one point I was not moving on the 45 naturally and an hour later, without even realizing I was doing it, I was moving the way I was supposed to be moving. He mentioned that I was doing it right, at which point I probably thought about it and screwed it all back up again; but that's just me and the way I train.

Working drills like these can be so overwhelming. It's impossible to think about your feet, the way you move, your hands, keeping a point of contact with your attacker, figuring out a way to off-balance your attacker, and even just breathing, all at the same time. That's the whole point though. You're not supposed to think about it. You're supposed to feel it and just let things happen (Tell that to a control freak like me). Turning the mind off is perhaps the most difficult thing of all to accomplish.

By the end of the night I was far from perfect, but I was a long way from where I had been only two hours earlier. This is why people continue to train, because you are always learning something new and the desire to be better than you were two hours ago, two weeks ago, two months ago, two years ago, two decades ago, is a constant pull on a martial artist who truly loves the martial arts.

The Beginning and No Super Powers

There have been two common questions when my family and friends heard that I was successful at my black belt test. Yesterday, my grandmother watched the DVD and then said, "Well now that you're a black belt, you're done so you can be at home more with your children, right?"

"No Grammom!" I told her, "this is just the beginning." I explained to her that most of my training time is in the evening, and that a good portion of it happened when my girls were already in bed.

"Well what do you do now? You're already a black belt."

"You keep going and you keep learning and training," I told her.

I've been absolutely shocked by the number of people who think that getting a black belt is the end. For martial artists, this is just the beginning. I was telling Mr. BBM about the conversation with my grandmother and said that it would be like going to the grocery store for a ton of food and then not cooking any of it, instead just letting it rot away. It would be like working hard to get a degree and then deciding to take a job that requires no education or experience. What's the point?

The other question I've been getting is "How does it feel to be able to kick anyone's butt?" That one just makes me laugh. My sister asked me the other day and I explained to her that the black belt does not hold super powers. It doesn't make you invincible. Anyone who thinks that is setting themselves up for a very rude awakening. I told my sister that what feels best about getting to Shodan is knowing how much hard work I put into it and reaching a goal that I thought was previously unattainable.

These videos are for John of Martial Views, by special request. The first is kata Wansu. Click here if you can't see it below.

Here is Seisan. . . If you can't see it here, click here.

Black Belt Means Starting All Over

Tonight was my first night back in the dojo since annual training and testing. There was a sea of black belts in attendance. I now know why people say when you get to black belt, then you're really ready to learn. 

We wasted no time getting into black belt kata territory. I spent a lot of time being extremely lost. I kind of felt like a white belt all over again. In addition to several new open hand kata, we also worked a kama kata. For those who don't know what kama are, they kind of look like sickles, you know, those crazy hacking things for fields? Yeah those. 

Experienced black belts often use bladed kama. Hanshi handed me wooden ones and I was grateful. I think I would have taken foam if available. I wasted no time dropping one of them. When you have to swing them around between thumb and pinky finger, it gets a little overwhelming, especially when you're also trying to get your feet and hands in the right location and direction.

Hanshi made a joke and had us all drop our right kama to the floor so we could get it out of our system. Then another black belt dropped his and I felt a little better. It's amazing how much less it bothers you when you drop a weapon when it's not black belt testing.

At the end of the night, we lined up to rei out. It was such a thrill to line up where the yudansha stand, on the side. There are three more of us now and I think I can speak for us when I say we're pretty excited to be there.

Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting one of the other new Shodans who will now be known on BBM as "Tree Trunk." "Tree Trunk" makes working wrist locks especially challenging, which is how he got his name. His wrists are about five times the size of mine and they just don't bend. It's really not fair, but that's another story. We're meeting at an embroidery place to have the kanji put on our gi jackets. Then we'll officially look like we belong in black.

Choun No Kun: BBM in Actual Real Video

I'm gradually getting my act together with all things media from black belt testing this past weekend. Today, I thought that I would show you some video. That's right, I said video.

In the past, I've had no problem showing my mad lip syncing skills, but kata? Well, you could all just imagine me doing kata. Video and I just don't mix.

Until today. . .

The first video is of the kata Choun No Kun. It's a bo kata and I doubt you'll have any trouble picking me out. Think blonde. Think ponytail. Think only girl on the floor. Sometimes it's difficult to see me, but it was the best angle Mr. BBM could get. If you can't see it below, go here to view directly.

The second video is of my kobudo bunkai. I did Choun No Kun. I thought it would be interesting to show you the kata and then my take on the bunkai (application, i.e. how it would really work instead of just fighting the air). There are a million different variations of bunkai for each kata. Featured in this video is "Ax-Kick Eric." I'm the one with the ponytail again, obviously. If you can't watch it below, you can go here.

Enjoy! I'll post more in the coming days.

***Speaking of video, why not enter the Summer Serenade contest? As Nike would say, Just Do It!!!

The Fastest Way to Brown Belt

I came home on Saturday night after promotions and knew I couldn't possibly wait until Sunday morning's final day of training to try it on. I tied it on right over my dress and felt like I could fly.

  
Receiving my promotion from Hanshi and Kyoshi Heilman.

 
I doubt there's a black belt out there who didn't do this after promotions.

It was when I took it off and put it in my training bag's special compartment for my obi that I saw my brown belt.

My brown belt and I have been long time friends. The little fuzzies on the belt are like an old blanket, comfortable and familiar. I've had that brown belt longer than I had any of my previous belts. It saw me train and get ready for my black belt, only to go on a long break when I tore my ACL. It waited patiently for me.

When I received my promotion to brown belt, I couldn't imagine ever feeling better about a promotion. When I had started taking karate, I thought it would be cool to someday be a green belt. Brown was completely unexpected and felt amazing.

Black belt feels that way too, but mulitiply it by about a million.

I knew I could take the brown belt out of my bag, but I didn't. I took it along with me for training on Sunday. I had this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that this wasn't for real, that Saturday night's promotions had been completely in my dreams.

I arrived at the dojo a little later than I had planned to after having to turn around and drive back home to grab my camera. In the locker room, I pulled it out and began tying it on. Kyoshi H was in the locker room and I said, "I guess I can take my brown belt out of my bag now." She laughed and said that I could. She also said what I've heard so many times at the dojo. "What's the fastest way to brown belt?" The answer is to screw up as a black belt.

I scurried upstairs so as not to miss the rei in and realized I had tied my belt wrong. My new black belt friend hurried me along and reviewed how to tie the belt the correct way. We have embroidering on both sides of the belt. One side says our style and the other side says our full name in Japanese kanji. You have to get them on the right sides. I tied it correctly and headed out onto the floor.

"Ax-Kick Eric" displaying the kanji on my obi.

As a brown belt at annual training, when it's time to line up, you hang out at the back of the floor and allow all the black belts to take their spots before you find your spot in the very back. There are usually only a handful of brown belts at training anyway. My friend and new Shodan Bob said "come on!" and quickly moved up far beyond where we've ever been able to stand. It felt completely surreal.

Hanshi made the announcements, congratulated the new promotee's and we were off to our first session. I had to keep pulling my belt tight. I forgot what it's like to have a new belt. It's been a while.

We had a great day of training. I spent the morning in Kyoshi Hayes' session and spent the second session spending some more time working on what I had just learned in Kyoshi Hayes' session. There's so much to take in and if you don't work on it right away, it tends to disappear.

 
Picture with two of my instructors: Hanshi and Kyoshi Heilman.

At the end of training, we took a ton of pictures and then I headed out. It had been an amazing weekend. I thought about this being my brown belt's final ride in my training bag; and then I made the decision to keep my brown belt in my bag after all. It's like an old friend and it is a strong reminder of where I've been and how hard I've had to work to come back post-injury.

Plus, the fastest way to brown belt. . .

You know the rest. Just in case.

***More pictures and VIDEO to come! Stay tuned!!!

***Thank you for ALL the amazing emails and comments. I want to print them out and carry them with me always.

***The deadline for the Summer Serenade Contest has been extended to July 15th. Come on people. Get your lip sync on!

Legit

Euphoric. 

That's how it feels to have testing finally over with.

I arrived at the dojo Friday morning for a full day of training and I practiced deep breathing on the way there. I felt confident and calm but I knew it wouldn't last. I did a session with Kyoshi Jody Paul, who I met for the very first time this weekend. It was super cool. We worked on applications of the kata Seisan and it was really fun and interesting.

Next I did a mandatory-for-those-testing session on open hand kata. Hanshi and Kyoshi H led this session and it was the last chance to run through open hand and work out any kinks. At one point, a 7th degree black belt, one of the Kyoshi's who sits on the judging board and decides whether or not you get the black belt, was standing nearby watching me intently. He was not making a good face.

When I was finished with the kata, he made that face again and asked me, "Are you planning on doing the kata like that tonight?" with an absolutely disgusted face and tone.

I smiled and laughed a little and directed my attention back up front. This was obviously the head games I had heard so much about. I wasn't going to let it bother me.

Kyoshi B came out on the floor and started joking around with me a bit. Then he told me he could be bribed with a case of beer.

Sweet. I took a mental note.

I spent the rest of the afternoon doing various kobudo weapons session and trying to stay calm. I came home for about an hour and then headed back to the dojo. I wanted to get there early. I had a cold case of beer to deliver after all.

I drove through a downpour and thought it was a bad sign. Then, as I was pulling off the exit for the dojo, a beautiful rainbow appeared above the exit. I took that as a good sign. A few seconds later it started to hail and I told myself it was silly to read into the weather.

I dropped the cooler bag off by Kyoshi B's own cooler and got ready for testing. When Kyoshi B came upstairs I told him I had a little surprise for him downstairs. He went downstairs, came back up a few minutes later, walked across the floor and hugged me. It was a Sam Adams variety pack. I don't mess around with my bribes.

Kyoshi B began telling everyone that I could do no wrong and that I had already passed. It was pretty awesome. I was especially glad I had brought him the beer, when during a tunfa kata, I dropped my one tunfa. My hands were so sweaty and I didn't have my grip right because of it. I bumped my body with the tunfa and down it went. Holy freaking nightmare of all nightmares!

I picked it up in a split second, jumped right back into the kata and hoped no one saw anything. Since I was in the front, I knew this was wishful thinking. I also know, however, that they look at how you act when you screw up. Do you get flustered, lose your focus, or get back in the game? I got back in the game and tried to put the screw-up out of my head.

I was shaky and nervous despite the fact that my head was telling me to be calm. I made it through all of my kobudo kata (three bo, two tunfa, two sai, and one nunchaku) and was getting my head ready for individual kata when they told us we were going to do bunkai.

This is when the tide turned for me. I got out there, took a deep breath, looked at my partner and knew it was time to show what I could do with Choun No Kun. And I did it.

At one point during the bunkai when I go down on one knee and strike my partner's knee with the bo, I heard Kyoshi H say "I like that." I knew things were going well at that point.

Despite the fact that I avoided any and all eye contact with the Renshi-Kai during all the previous kata, after my bunkai I looked at them. The temptation to see their reaction was too great. My teacher's seemed pleased with me and nodded approvingly. The whole dojo clapped and I walked backwards on an absolute high.

We got a five minute break between kobudo and open hand and I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. I had been drinking a LOT of water during the breaks between kata as the people testing for higher ranks went up. While downstairs, Kyoshi H came into the bathroom and said what an awesome job people were doing. She told me I was doing well. I came back upstairs and Hanshi smacked me good on the arm and said, "Good Job!" and I felt such amazing relief. Despite the fact that I practically threw my one tunfa at the judging board, I was still in the game.

Several people who were watching offered words of encouragement and some "good job's" as well and I felt ready for open hand.

Open hand kata went fast and furious. We FLEW through the katas and at the end of each one, the Renshi Kai would look at each other, nod a bit, and we'd move on. EVERYONE was doing very well. We had a great group up there testing.

Then it was on to bunkai for open hand. I did Pinan Yondan. I did the first moves just fine and then worm-holed into the third sequence without doing the kick. Yikes! So the dilemma was to either continue on and forget the kicking business or do it and then move on. I chose to do it. When it was over, my partner said he hadn't even realized I messed up. Here's hoping no one else did either. I just sort of rearranged things a bit; that's all.

When it was over and we were doing the final rei out, I felt such accomplishment. I hadn't been perfect, but I'd done well and I certainly showed that I wasn't going to get all frazzled when I messed up. I was so proud of my training friends too, who had kicked butt out there. We all had.

One of the women Renshi came up to me after testing and told me I had done a good job. She said I had good focus and that I seemed relaxed. She told me that sometimes, when I get really focused, I tend to look down and keep my gaze down. She told me to work on that and I said I would. She also added that she was being really picky and that I had done well. Afterwards I thought about it and realized that I had been making really good eye contact with Hanshi's coffee that was sitting on the floor at one point. She was definitely right.

After changing, we were asked to have a beer with the Kyoshi I "bribed." It was the best tasting beer I think I've ever had. Then I met my training friends at Applebee's and we celebrated with appetizers and drinks.

Oh What A NIGHT!

Yesterday was my last official day as a brown belt. I spent it doing Goju Ryu drills with an amazing woman. I have rainbow colored arms today. I also spent time with Kyoshi Hayes doing application drills and Kyoshi Jody Paul doing tai sabaki.

Last night was the banquet and there was no better feeling than having my name called to go up front and get my certificates, black belt, and kobudo patch. You see, it's not just one black belt. It's two.

That's right.

1st Dan Okinawan Kenpo Karate

1st Dan Okinawan Kenpo Kobudo

That, my friends, would be me.

I stood there after accepting my certificates and belt and grinned ear to ear. I thought about my crutches, now residing in the basement, with "Nintai" (Persevere) written down the sides of them. I thought about my many months of physical therapy where all I wanted to do was be able to walk without a limp. I thought about my physical therapist who helped me get through so many rough days. I thought about my karate training friends who kept me in the loop, the ones who ultimately got me back in the dojo because I couldn't imagine not training with them. I thought about my trainer who pushed me and encouraged me and made me physically and mentally strong. I thought about my teachers who've pushed me, while always being understanding about my knee and its limitations. I thought about my friends who've been cheering me on from near and far; and my family who has been so understanding of my very long training hours and absence at home.

And I also thought to myself. . .

Black Belt Mama. . . My blog is now officially legit.

Black Belt Mama is indeed a black belt.

***A very special thank you to Donna of Crzegurl Design. Love you!

I've Been Keeping a Big Secret

For the past month or so, you may have noticed that my writing became less and less about karate. It's not that I haven't been writing about it. I've just been keeping a big secret. When I started writing this blog many years ago, I decided to call it "Black Belt Mama." Calling it "Green Belt Mama" seemed silly. I wasn't planning on staying that color or rank forever. The whole purpose of the blog was to write about my journey to Shodan and beyond.

In October 2007, I was feeling ready to test and then I tore my ACL and my martial arts world was shattered. It's been a long and challenging road back. I decided after my injury, that if I stayed a brown belt forever, I'd be ok with that. I have never been the girl who intended upon getting her black belt and leaving. I've always known that Shodan is just the beginning. If I had to stay at 1st kyu forever, well then "1st Kyu Forever" sounded like a decent blog name too. . .

On Friday night however, I'll get the opportunity to make my blog name legit. That's right people. I've been holding out on you. I am testing for Shodan Friday night.

I've known for a while and I've been working really hard at it. I've frequently been in the dojo four or five times a week for the past few months, sweating more than I ever have, even more than when I work out with my killer of a trainer.

When I officially found out, I told my good blogging friend John Vesia of Martial Views. He strongly recommended I keep it to myself, saying that he thought I'd go into it with more personal spirit if I kept it quiet on the blog. I agreed and so I kept quiet about it. I decided to tell all of you today, because my personal spirit is plentiful. I decided to tell you today, because I know so many of you have followed my journey and have been pulling for me. I think I'll feel even better knowing that I have all of you cheering me on from afar, keeping your fingers, eyes, and appendages crossed, and maybe even saying a little prayer that all goes well.

Plus, if I don't pass the test, you'll all wonder why I moved to Siberia and decided to abandon the blog. If you don't hear from me at all next week, this way, you'll know what happened.

What you'll find below is my writing over the past couple weeks as I entered the final preparation for testing. See, I wasn't really holding out on you after all. ;-)

June 1, 2009

A couple weeks after I returned to karate, people started preparing for annual training and testing. Many people from our dojo are testing this summer for varying ranks and although I had at once hoped that I returned in enough time to get sharp before testing, I wasn't getting my hopes up.

Each week, as I stood in class people continued to ask me if I was going to test this summer.

"No," I'd say, "I doubt it."

"Yes, you are," my one particular 1st kyu training friend would say.

Usually testing is in August. This year it got moved up to June. I felt like losing those two months put me at a huge disadvantage. I felt like I needed those two months. I concentrated on getting the kata back in there and kept the thought of testing on the back burner.

A couple week ago, I arrived at the dojo a little early for the second class and was stretching out my legs when I overheard Hanshi say "I'm going to kill her." Kyoshi and another Renshi-Kai instructor were talking with him just then and although I wasn't at all paying attention to their conversation before, this killing business caught my attention. I sat up straight and looked at Hanshi as he walked by me and he kind of gestured at me and laughed that Hanshi laugh where you don't know if he's going to tickle you or potentially end your life.

I looked at Kyoshi and Mr. M with a puzzled look and said it wasn't very comforting to hear a 9th degree black belt say they are going to kill you. Mr. M said, "He's talking about testing." Kyoshi, Hanshi's wife added, "He's just kidding." Although I maybe should have assumed that they intended for me to test this summer then, I left it go right over my head. I mean, he didn't have to kill me this summer. He could wait until next summer to kill me right? I was in complete denial, despite the fact that I have more than enough time in between 1st kyu and Shodan, despite the fact that I've been a 1st kyu since 2007.

Still denying that it was happening, I continued to train as if I was going to test, but assumed I was not. That seemed to work well for me and I continued to get my kata back, work on bunkai and feel better each time I trained. I was spending a lot of time in the dojo-at least four nights a week.

Two weeks ago, Hanshi approached me during a water break at a black belt/wanna-be-black belt training session over the weekend. He said he wanted to let me know he'd be looking at my kata, open hand and kobudo and bunkai, but that I should take the kumite worry off the table. I had told him during our dojo dinner that my surgeon told me it was taking an unnecessary risk to spar again.

As he told me this, I nodded and then he walked away. In my head, I was thinking "Are we going to spar today?" and then it hit me, "He's talking about testing!"

I eeked out a quiet and shocked "thank you."

After the training session, I found my long-time training friend and instructor and told him about my encounter.

"So, do you think that means I'm testing?" I asked him, still wanting a billboard, I guess, to make it perfectly clear to me.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that you are," he said and then may have mumbled something about me needing a sledge hammer to hit me over the head with it.

Still, I continued to train hard but didn't quite believe it. I did, however, tell my 1st kyu friend that "yes, I'm testing" to which he probably responded with "told ya so." I didn't write about it because I honestly still didn't believe it.

Last week, I got an email from Hanshi, asking me for my belt size. He was ordering the black belts. I think it was probably one of the best emails I've ever received. It was certainly the sledge hammer my head needed.

I have been training for this for so long and I can't believe that testing is now less than four weeks away. I've been training about 12 hours per week and falling asleep rehearsing my bunkai in my head as I drift off. I've been living and breathing karate now for months and although I didn't think it was possible a few months ago, I now know that I am close to being ready for that test.

Honestly though, just being recognized by my instructors, that they think I'm ready to test has been such an honor already. When I think about the fact that 19 months ago, I couldn't even walk on my own, I know I've come a really long way. This is one journey that is about to get a lot more interesting.

June 4, 2009

Tonight, Big I spent some time drawing while I was busy working out on the dojo floor. When I was finished, she handed me her finished product. On it was a list. It said:

"These are the top 5 reasons why I like you:"
1. smart
2. funny
3. tough
4. sweet
5. Black Belt Mama

Here's hoping she's right about that last one. We'll find out in 22 days.

June 9, 2009

This week, I will pre-test before the actual black belt test on June 26th. I think I've already been pre-tested on some levels. This past Saturday, Hanshi was obviously watching me and another 1st kyu very closely. He offered some suggestions and corrections, but overall, I think we both did fairly well.

I definitely know my stuff. Now I'm working on making sure I have things exact, making sure I have all the movements of the kata, and trying to incorporate proper breathing.

I've been fluctuating between being a little nervous to just wanting it over with. After spending Monday through Thursday nights at the dojo and sometimes Saturday mornings too for weeks now, I am definitely tired. I also think I'm ready.

I know I'm going to have nerves on the night of the test, but I am hoping that I know my stuff well enough that I can put the nerves away or use them as fuel and just go on auto-pilot.

Last night, I spent three hours at the dojo. Five of us went through our kobudo and open hand bunkai and then we moved into kata. We did every open hand kata and then made our way through all of the kobudo katas. I made a couple mistakes, but the worst one was when I brought my bo around and came a little too close to my bulky knee brace. The bo got caught on the side of the brace and flew out of my hands and onto the floor.  I yelled as it happened because it surprised me so. The guys kept going and I just picked my bo up and got back into the flow.

When we were finished with the kata, one of the guys told me that if that happens in testing, I'm going to get laughed at, but I should just smile, take the hits and get ready for the next thing. Mistakes happen, everyone makes them. I'm just hoping that I don't have such a huge one like that one while testing.

Summer testing is well attended. In addition to all of the Renshi-Kai sitting up front, the floor is usually surrounded by observers and the waiting area is frequently standing room only. It's a lot of pressure and it's also extremely hot. Our dojo only has window air conditions and when there are that many people? They don't really do the trick.

Last night, I think I could have wrung out my gi after practicing for three hours. I doubt the night of testing will be any different. I've put a lot of sweat equity into preparing for testing and I am hoping it pays off with steady nerves and a good performance on the night of testing.

June 10, 2009

Last week, I was mentally exhausted. In addition to many hours at the dojo, I was having killer problems with allergies. My allergy meds make me a grumpy girl. It was a bad week. Last week, I couldn't imagine training like I've been training for even one more week.

This week, things are different.

On Saturday I'm leaving for a week at the beach. This week it's been my mission to make sure I have everything planned out and solidly in my head before I leave. When I come back from vacation, there are only three nights of training before I'll officially test. In order for me to enjoy my vacation, I need to be ready before vacation.

I am hoping that Hanshi will allow me to pre-test tomorrow night. I'm ready to roll and if I am allowed to do it tomorrow, then I'll be able to leave with the rest of my family on vacation. If not, I'll have to kiss them goodbye and drive to North Carolina by myself once I finish up on Saturday. I'm not excited about a solitary drive over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge/Tunnel, envisioning the movie "Daylight" no doubt as I frantically speed through the tunnels solo. I am really hoping I get to pre-test tomorrow for that reason. Hanshi's response was "maybe Thursday" when I asked.

I'll be saying a little prayer tonight.

I definitely feel ready. I know there are things I can still fix, but I've worked out as many kinks as possible.

Tonight at the dojo, I asked one of my black belt friends how exactly you're supposed to put the black belt on. Our black belts come with writing on both ends of the belt. One end says our style and the other says our name in Japanese kanji. Another 1st kyu and I got a lesson in how to tie it tonight and I'm hoping I can get it right if I pass the test. 

16 days until official testing. At this point, I just want to get it over with. It seriously can't come soon enough. After all the hard work and late nights of training, I now understand why new Shodan's sometime disappear for a little while. I'm not planning on disappearing after the test, but this five days a week at the dojo business is going to stop. I think I'll probably sleep for a week.

June 11, 2009

Tonight, another first kyu and I pre-tested for our black belts. I had imagined pre-testing as a sweaty and exhausting affair. It was not at all what I expected.

Hanshi took me and the other 1st kyu downstairs while everyone else continued training upstairs. I thought he'd have us run through our open hand and kobudo kata, and possibly our bunkai, but we didn't.

Instead, Hanshi asked us to get into a good seisan stance. He then asked me how I would explain and demonstrate this stance for a new student. We went back and forth like this for a while, getting into different stances and having Hanshi ask us questions about them. We'd do several kicks and then he'd ask us to explain different things about the kicks. After we were finished explaining, he'd add to it. I learned so much about my style, Okinawan Kenpo, tonight.

At one point, Hanshi was having a conversation with another teacher and the other 1st kyu looked at me and said quietly, "Are you nervous?"

I said, "No, I'm not." The truth is, I didn't even know how to be nervous because what he had us do was so completely unexpected. I didn't have time to be nervous about it. I just answered the questions the best that I could and got ready for the next one.

The other 1st kyu and I did just fine. Sure, we stumbled over some explanations from time to time, but when all was said and done, Hanshi nodded and told us that he knows we can do our kata. He wanted to see how we would teach something to someone else.

If tonight is any indication of how I'll be during the actual test, just 15 days from now, then I think I'll be fine. I didn't have any nerves. I just did my thing (the thing I did just wasn't what I was expecting was going to be expected of me).

In two days I leave for vacation and I can now go with a clear head. I haven't allowed myself to even think about the beach because pre-testing has been my only focus. Tomorrow I'm going to pack, making sure to take my karate weapons along for the ride. This week I'll relax, spend time with my family, and practice kata on the beach. When I come back, I'll have less than a week until testing.

And I?

I'll be ready.

June 24, 2009

So I was completely naive to think that pre-testing was over with. Last night was four hours of pre-testing. We started off with self defense. The six of us who are testing lined up in a row and took turns going through three rounds each of attacking the person at the front of the line. We started with wrist, arm, and lapel grabs. Each of us fought off 15 attacks while being carefully watched.

We took a little break, went around and said what we could improve on and then we were back at it. This time it was headlocks and all kinds of chokes. By the end of these rounds, we all had red necks and some fingerprint indentations.

Next, we did some kata. While I was on vacation, the rest of the testing group did their kata and had to do their testing kata solo. I had to do every kata solo last night. Not only that, but for the last four, I had to do it in front of three of the Renshi-kai (the people who decide whether or not you get your black belt-the very high up's who have been doing karate forever).

For the first kata, my least favorite of them all, Nai Hanshi Sandan, I kept messing up. I ended up having to do it probably four times. I was doing some things incorrectly and after doing them the wrong way for so long, it's difficult to fix it right away. I did my best, but the nerves were getting the best of me. I rationalized that I better get used to people looking at me before Friday so I made myself get over it and got back on track.

Surprisingly enough, the two kata that I thought I would get killed on, I didn't. One is a breathing kata, Seisan, and the other, Pinan Godan, starts off with some of that same breathing business. I frequently forget to breathe during other kata, but during these two, I have practiced plenty and feel at least adequate. The Renshi-Kai made a couple minor corrections, but I ended on a fairly good note.

One of the other guys who is testing came up to me and told me my pre-test had been "trial by fire." Apparently, while I was away, no one else had to do all their kata in front of so many Renshi-Kai, and add to that by themselves. To be honest, I'm thankful. It gave me really good practice for Friday night and I'm always grateful for corrections. I'm even more grateful when they nod an "ok" to you, that you've done things well. Man, do those feel good; they actually feel more like relief.

While everyone else took a water break and the Renshi-Kai discussed things quietly, I took to the floor and worked on Nai Hanshi Sandan some more. It is so difficult to fix these things that you've been doing wrong for so long, but I don't want to mess it up on Friday night. Kyoshi came out and did the kata with me a few times and I got more details on how to do things properly.

Then it was on to self defense against a club, knife and gun. It was very challenging, but I did my best. I tried to draw on things I've practiced in the past and just go with it. Thinking about things too much has definitely been my enemy lately. I think I did ok. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I don't think anyone really was. It was one of those things you just get through to the best of your ability, and resolve to work on in the future.

I left the dojo around 11 p.m. and arrived home completely exhausted but unable to sleep. Something tells me the inability to sleep is going to only get worse before Friday.

This morning, I have a very sore neck (chokes and head-locks I'm thinking), a sore spot on my jaw, and a super sore spot on the back of my hand that I have no idea how I got. I'm thinking though, that if I got through last night, then I can definitely make it through Friday night's testing. Maybe that was the whole point.

The "I Suck" Makes a Comeback

This is an embarrassing post to write, but I feel I'm doing it for the greater good. I can't be the only martial artist to ever feel this way. . .

Lately, I've done a good job of talking myself into having a positive attitude. Sure, I have my moments; but whenever I start to get that feeling of self-doubt, I've been able to replace it. A simple, "you can do this!" has been effective and useful.

But last night, I couldn't turn off the voice inside my head that was screaming out loud and clear, "YOU SUCK!" At one point, I actually said "I suck" out loud. It was completely unintentional. It was like my inner self was so disgusted with myself that my body just said it all on its own.

My internal "You can do this!" mantra was replaced with "no you can't" and it was a rough and humbling night for me.

We were working on self defense last night at the dojo. Self defense has always been an area that I felt I could handle. I don't have a ton of fancy moves or anything, but I have always felt pretty confident in my abilities to defend myself. I've had real life experience after all, and I did just fine in that situation; better than fine, actually. And that was before any martial arts training.

A long time ago, I did blind-folded self defense at the dojo and it was an unsettling experience at first. But as each person quietly walked in and attacked me, I held my own. At the end of the night, I felt like it had been a real learning experience for me. I had gone into it expecting to fail and I had done just fine. It was a real confidence builder.

A few months ago, we had what we lovingly refer to as "Okinawa Night" at the dojo. It was sticky and hot and we kept the lights off for class. As it got later and darker, we moved into some self defense drills. I could only make out the shape of my attacker and that also served me well. Something clicked inside me and I made it work. It was also a real confidence builder.

Confidence is something I've needed after coming back from this ACL ordeal.

Last night was one of those nights when your confidence gets initially destroyed. We went through various self defense scenarios and we each took turns coming up with something new. Several times, what I would have usually done had already been taken so I had to come up with something new. Some of it was ok, but other stuff was just not. Add to the "not" list kneeing my poor partner where it counts. Ugh-I still feel horrible about it. I knew I was grasping for some of the techniques, and I tried to improve on it as we continued to work on things.

Then we moved onto self defense against a punch. It should be a crucial skill that every martial artist has, but I was sucking worse than I could have ever imagined. Even worse, mentally I was destroying myself. When I screwed up, I would try to get back on track, so I'd try to think about my next move. And then I'd anticipate a left punch, and a right one would come and I'd be back to almost eating a punch and feeling like a fool.

Apparently, not everything came back after ACL surgery.

I've spent so much time getting kata back in head that other things got put on the back-burner, the really important things that could mean the difference between me surviving an attack or not, got neglected. I thought I had them, that they were just there and it seems that when I'm forced into a situation where I can't see, I do better than when the lights are on. Last night showed me I have a lot to work on.

Right away, my instructor recognized that I was in a bad place and he made it temporarily worse. Instead of letting me off the hook, he pushed me. My partner threw many punches at me and I had to defend against them one after the other. Then he had "Ax-Kick Eric" throw punches to try it out on someone of a different height and with a different rhythm. I got tripped up again for a bit and my instructor stepped in to help me break out of my mental black hole.

Then he had another black belt throw punches at me. Finally, when I felt like it was never going to end, my instructor stopped things and asked me how I was feeling. He said he had counted at least 30 in a row that I had defended without a problem.

He then went on to tell me that what I was experiencing was not a problem unique to me. He said lots of people go through this. They get so caught up in other parts of karate that they forget how to defend against a simple punch. I nodded in agreement. Clearly I had.

And then he said that it had only taken me about 10 minutes to get it back. I felt a little better after that, but still foolish and inadequate.

I came home last night and had a restless night of sleep. I kept dreaming that people were attacking me and I was failing miserably at defending myself. Because I've done it in real life, I can sort of rationalize myself out of these thoughts of doubt; but it's not a good feeling to have. It's not good when your restful night is replaced with more "I suck."

After class I thanked my teacher for "torturing me" for a while and he laughed. I told him that I always hate him when we start doing something like this, but at the end I'm glad he put me through it.

Now if I could only get the "me" in my head to win during my dreams, I think I'd feel better.

Kata on the Beach

This morning I woke up early and it was overcast outside. The beach was deserted and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get outside and run through some kata. I lugged my kobudo weapons and my Mom down to the beach and set up near the dunes so as to limit the view of me from the beach houses.

I ran through my kobudo katas first. Doing kata on the beach was a bit challenging. Without the mirror in front of me and the shinza to the left, it felt different. It was a good test as to whether or not I know my stuff, and thankfully I do.

Doing kata on the beach felt really good. The wind was whipping around and I think my favorite beach kata had to be nunchaku. With the breeze blowing, they seemed to fly extra well through the air. With the sound of the waves crashing nearby, I was able to work on my breathing too.

I ran through all the open hand kata as well and made it through without forgetting anything.

Then I thought I'd have some fun. During the kata Kyan No Sai, there's a part where you go on guard and then step out with the right foot and throw the sai in your right hand, presumably into the foot of an oncoming attacker. It's obviously not possible to do the throw for real in the dojo, but at the beach it's a different story.

I drew myself a little circle in the sand and stood back. I wanted to see if I could hit my target. I hit it every time, but there was a problem. The sai wasn't going in point first and staying that way. Instead it was hitting point first and then quickly flipping over. Sometimes, the sai would end up completely covered in the sand.

I decided to experiment. I moved a little closer figuring these are short range weapons and found the trick. I was definitely too far away from the circle/attacker. By moving in a bit closer and concentrating more on technique and less on power, the sai went in blade first. It was a near perfect stick. The other interesting thing is that when the point went in first, it went in and then sort of rocked back a bit. One can imagine the damage it would do to a foot if it hit and then continued the rotational movement which would rip things apart easily. I realized why this move is near the end of the kata.

I revealed my revelations to my Mom, a registered nurse, who sat there squirming as I talked about it. I find this stuff so fascinating. It's not the gruesome part so much as it is the technique and getting it right that intrigues me. I'm thinking our dojo should put a sand box in somewhere. How cool would that be?

Relief

Last night Big I auditioned for a play. She did one of these productions two summers ago and it was grueling. They practice Monday through Thursday, 6-9 and the director is very serious about the play. Although the kids love her when it's all over, during the actual process of getting ready, even the parents are sometimes on edge. It's a lot of work and it's a lot of stress. 

When Big I did it before, it felt like our summer was gone. After five weeks of non-stop rehearsing and then a weekend of performing, we had a month left before school started. Still, if Big I enjoys acting and singing, then I thought I shouldn't deprive her of the opportunity.

Auditions started at 6 last night and after dancing, singing, and acting portions, she was finally finished at 9 p.m. It was a very long night.

I took her to the audition and they started with dancing. The only thing I could compare this part of the audition to, would be like someone showing you a kata two times and then asking you to do it on your own. The poor kid had trouble following along and I wanted to just whisk her off the stage and erase her memory of it. Fortunately she wasn't the only one having trouble. Dancing like a marionette isn't going to happen after a mere 10 minutes of instruction.

Then came singing. I stayed for half of it and then headed out to the dojo. Mr. BBM said her group of four did well and for that I was relieved. Mr. BBM said she also did well reading her lines for the acting portion. He said she read every word perfectly and you could hear her, but she didn't really "act" it out so much. Keep in mind that the youngest allowed to audition is eight. Big I is eight.

On the way home from auditions, she told Mr. BBM she had a dilemma. She knows that if she does this play, she can forget leisurely evenings at the pool. She can forget doing tennis or swim lessons; and she's going to have to miss a week of ju-jutsu too. She decided that she's not going to do it this summer. Instead she thought she'd audition for the spring play. To say I'm relieved would be the understatement of the century. The month of June is already packed for us; rehearsals every night would just about kill us.

I have to give the kid props though. I doubt I would have had the guts to get up there the way she's done twice, once when she was only 6 years old!

I'm relieved that we'll have our summer back, but now I'm looking for relief of another kind.

Yesterday, I was looking for something in the basement, moved a box without moving the ones in front of it and tweaked my lower back. If I'm standing I'm fine. If I lay down I'm fine; but sitting is a different story.

I walked in to karate last night and told Big I's Danzan Ryu Ju-Jutsu instructor who was teaching downstairs that I was hurting and he disappeared outside to his car. He came back in with a chinese analgesic that you rub on your sore spot and wait to dry. He gave strict instructions for me to pass along to Mr. BBM when putting it on me, "Don't touch your eyes and don't 'adjust' yourself until after you wash your hands."  I woke Mr. BBM up last night when I rolled in from the dojo around 11 p.m. to put it on me.

Today I feel slightly better but not much. Sitting is still killing me. What I love about Big I doing ju-jutsu is that Danzan Ryu practitioners learn how to hurt people, but they also learn the healing arts. It's an interesting combination and one that Big I's Sensei takes very seriously. He told me that if I'm not better soon, he'd work on my back a bit.

In Kyoshi Bill Hayes' book "My Journey with the Grandmaster" he talks about training hard and then going to get fixed back up with long soaks and massage. I can't help feeling like this should be a crucial part of modern day training. Maybe those sore spots wouldn't happen as often and maybe that was the key to longevity in the arts.

If I could just convince Mr. BBM to go get certified in the healing arts. . .

Sheer Exhaustion

Lately I've been training a lot, like about five days a week. It's been exhausting. I'm getting home late from the dojo and then I need time to shower, wind down, and rehydrate. I'm getting to bed too late and having to wake up too early. The only way I've been able to get through my day lately is with coffee in the morning and some cranergy in the afternoon. And I'm still tired.

Allergies aren't helping things. Whatever is out there right now is horrible and I'm completely congested and miserable. If I take my medication for it, I get really cranky and unhappy. If I don't, I'm cranky and unhappy because I can't breathe. Something has to give.

Last night, I thought I had a good option for about a minute.

Another 1st kyu was telling me about these "energy shots" you can buy at the convenience store places. I asked him if they were mega doses of caffeine and he said it wasn't. He told me they had B vitamins and a bunch of other healthy stuff and that when he's used them, he's had a good five hours of straight, non-jittery energy.

I made a mental note to pick a couple of those up for the coming weeks and then he said,

"They also make you poop."

Apparently they speed everything up and that's one of the things. I think it would probably be a bad idea to take one and have to leave the training floor non-stop to go empty the system, or God forbid, not make it in time! 

I guess I'm just going to have to find a way to get some more rest. The beach vacation coming up in less than two weeks, can't come soon enough. It really can't.

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A Compliment I'm Taking

My Dad isn't exactly the best at compliments. Like on my wedding day for example, he said to me, "I didn't know you could look that beautiful." Hmm, that got me to thinking a bit. It was sort of a back-handed compliment, but considering my compliment history with my Dad, whatever. I'll take it.

He also says things like this: "Boy, you look nice in that shirt, but your arms are really moley." Freaking fantastic. I spent an entire 4th grade night at Disney World begging my Mom to buy me a sweatshirt so I could cover up my arms and avoid making people run in horror from my chocolate chipped arms. When he said I was being ridiculous about it, I just crossed my arms and used my hands to cover up as much of my arms as possible. I'm like that in every picture my Dad took that night. It was one of those nights that scarred me for the teenage years, but he still says I'm too dramatic about it.

He's also not very good at apologizing. Truth be told, I'm not either. But my Dad's apologies tend to go something like this: "I'm sorry I told you that your arms are moley. . . but your arms are moley." They never quite feel like apologies.

That's why what happened tonight came as a total shocker.

Tonight my Dad came into the dojo to watch Big I during her ju-jutsu class and, more importantly, to keep an eye on Lil C while I trained upstairs with Ax Kick-Eric. At one point he came upstairs while Ax-Kick-Eric and I were working on some open hand bunkai. I heard Lil C saying she wanted to stand closer to Mommy and I heard my Dad say, "This is the closest we're going to get." I was busy at the time, trying to make a throw work on Ax-Kick-Eric.

After we were finished doing that, I showed my Dad my kobudo bunkai. When I was finished he said to Lil C, "That's why you better behave when you get to dating age." I laughed and said, "Why do you think I train so hard?" 

Soon though, I could tell my Dad was ready to go home so I packed it up and he said goodbye to the girls. He didn't wait for me to walk out, so I just figured he'd go home and make fun of me or tell my Mom how silly karate was; because over the past few years, I've felt an undertone of him not quite understanding why I was so into the martial arts. 

Then I got a phone call from my Mom. "Your Dad says you look like a black belt!" she said. I had to pick my jaw off the floor to ask her to say that again. I heard right and there wasn't even any extra commentary like "for a girl with moley arms" or anything. "Yeah," she said, "he said 'Wow, BBM is really good at karate. She looks like a black belt."

Total shocker, but that is one compliment I'm going to gladly take, keep, and remember always.

A Serious Case of the Sillies

Last night at the dojo, it was just one of those nights. Although I've been fairly serious about my training for the past few weeks, last night I was tired and everything was cracking me up. I wasn't the only one with the problem.

When the advanced class started, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do. I made the unfortunate mistake of saying I was "up for anything minus break falls and roll falls." I was thinking open hand or kobudo. I wasn't thinking 30 minutes of kicking.

We have this young green belt who loves competition and loves kicking. She also likes doing kata with her eyes closed but that's another story. In attendance was the young green belt, our instructor, two 20-something black belts, me and a 40-something 1st kyu. 

With the black belts on one side of the floor and me and my brown belt buddy on the other side, we started doing some kicking drills. We started with simple snap kicks and thrust kicks. Then it was crescent and roundhouse. We did some knees and heel-butt which are more like hell-butt kicks when I have to use my left leg. There seemed to be a disproportionate amount of intensity from the black belt side of the dojo, while the other 1st kyu and I debated about whether or not it would be acceptable for us to hold onto the wall in the back of the training floor so as not to fall over. 

I used to love kicking. It was one of my favorite things to do. Post knee-injury? Not so much. I'd rather watch four hours straight of Star Wars than do kicking drills; and if you know me and my deep and established dislike of Star Wars, then you know how much I want to avoid kicking.

Every time we thought we had exhausted all the types of possible kicks, our teacher, the green belt or one of the black belts would come up with another type of kick, which is why one of those black belts will forever retain the nickname "Ax Kick Eric" from now on.

After 20 minutes of straight kicking, when your leg protests full extension, one is not too happy to hear the words "ax kick." I thank you "Ax Kick Eric" for those ax kicks last night and so do my ailing leg muscles; and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.

I announced to my 1st kyu friend that I would be pretending I was fighting a midget for this round of kicks; and then we made helpless faces at each other in the mirror until we were finished. 

Finally, after 4000 types of kicks, the young green belt says she wants to have a kicking contest. I said we should forgo the contest and just name her the grand champion. Although I think she was sort of satisfied with that, I really think she wanted the pride of knowing she had beaten up on the ailing brown belts a bit more than having us just hand over a title. 

I do have to say I learned an important lesson last night though. When your teacher looks directly at you and asks what you want to do. . . you better be specific, VERY specific.

The Dojo Family

I am frequently asked how a beginner should go about choosing a dojo. I've written about it in the past and you can find those tips here. But while you can certainly research the lineage of a style, hang around for a couple classes to observe and ask people who go there and who've gone there in the past, there's really no way of knowing if the people at your dojo are going to be merely people you see a couple times a week while you train, or if they'll become more than that-part of your dojo "family." 

I consider myself extremely fortunate to train at an awesome dojo with a great dojo family. While the green belts and above obviously spend more time together, there seems to be no separation between ranks when it comes to helpful attitudes and friendliness.

A couple weeks ago, I organized a hibachi dinner followed by dessert back at my house afterward and the guest list kept growing. The amazing thing about everyone is that we have a drastic age range but it doesn't seem to matter. We have the single 20-something guys, the married 30 and 40 year old crew, and our instructors whose ages will remain quiet because I'd like them to still talk to me.

I've heard of dojos where the instructors won't associate with the students outside of the dojo, but in our dojo, that's simply not the case. Our hibachi dinner a few weeks ago ranged from 1st kyu brown belt up to 9th degree black belt; and we had a blast. I hope our next event (we're thinking tiki bar) will be even more well attended than last time. (I seem to have become the social coordinator so I better get on that before I lose my role.)

Now that I am back and my knee is feeling strong, I am even more grateful for my friends at karate. I truly do believe that they helped get me through my injury. I looked at one of our green belts who was going through chemo and still coming to the dojo each week; and I thought, "Wow, if he can come back, I can come back too." He's now cancer free, on the verge of becoming a brown belt, and serves as a training inspiration to us all.

When I was having a particularly rough time after my surgery and feeling like I would never feel better, I had a visit from a dojo friend that gave me new determination and motivation to get better. Simply being around these people makes you want to be better and work harder.

During my time away, I kept in touch by being in the dojo from time to time and via email. Before I came back and during my first few weeks, there were times when I felt like leaving karate was going to be my only option. It felt unnatural and like I was taking an unnecessary risk with my newly reconstructed ACL. But one of the main things that kept me going is that I didn't want to lose that connection with the people who've gone beyond being my training mates-they're my friends.

Last night, I worked with four different people on various bunkai I've been working on. Each one of them helped and contributed in a different way and I've been more than happy to help them right back. We seem to have an incredible group dynamic where everyone just wants everyone else to succeed and get better at what we're doing. The competitive aspects that you sometimes hear about between individuals don't seem to exist in our dojo.

So what's the point of this post, other than to put something up because I've had some serious writer's block lately? I guess it's to say "thank you" to all my training friends at the dojo. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for your help.

It's In There-17 Months Post ACL Surgery

I've been making a concentrated effort to spend more time at the dojo the past few weeks. I usually attend classes twice a week, but I've been adding an extra class here and there. I've been on the cusp of recovering all the kata and knew that the more I worked on it, the more cobwebs I'd be able to shake off.

This week, I've been at the dojo every night so far. Big I had ju-jutsu last night, so while she attended class downstairs, I went upstairs and ran through all of the kobudo kata. I think I have finally reached the point where I'm able to stop beating myself up mentally for putting kata on the back burner during my injury recovery. It's in there. It's really, finally, in there again.

I'm back to that familiar place where I'm falling asleep each night after running through a couple kata in my head. I'm talking about karate to Mr. BBM non-stop. I'm excited about how my bunkai is coming along. Despite the fact that a couple moves are still a little difficult for me (probably always will be), like the jump in the one tunfa kata and the kneel down in one of our open hand kata, I'm finally at the point where I've run through things enough times to know that my knee is holding up. It is no longer a stopping point, at least in kata (as long as my teachers are willing to accept the fact that I'm probably never going to be able to land on my left leg after that one jump). I'm even running on the treadmill now without swelling up.

The first couple weeks back were rough. I felt undeserving of the belt wrapped around my waist. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. It would have been really easy to throw in the towel. I won't deny that I thought about it while driving home after a few rough nights at the dojo. But I was determined to get back to my pre-injury state. I gradually accepted that I wouldn't be the same ever again; but I wanted to get as close as possible.

My knee is far from pre-injury state. It sometimes feels stiff and awful after a workout or a night at the dojo. When I stand up from sitting, sometimes I limp a bit. I can almost always tell you when it's going to rain; my knee is more accurate than the Weather Channel. But I feel like I am settling into the post-injury me and it's going ok. I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to ever be able to sit in seiza without terrible consequences. I think I'll probably always have some tendonitis that makes kneeling down uncomfortable. I'm probably always going to mind long car rides when I go to stand back up again. I will forever be extremely cautious with both of my knees; but I am slowly but surely putting the ACL ordeal behind me and getting back to doing the thing I love.

It's about time.

Rolling Down the Mountains

This week's heat wave brought with it some major waves on the dojo floor. It seems that whenever the heat rises, the foam flooring seems to rise too. Last Monday night was insane. The bumps and lumps were everywhere and it was difficult to avoid them. Because of the on-going knee issues, I try to avoid them like the plague. There is nothing worse than coming upon one of them when you're not expecting it. On Monday night, they were hard to miss though. One of our Shodans remarked that the body of Jimmy Hoffa had been found.

It was well over 95 degrees when we started working out on Monday night. One of our shodans decided he would do what he could about the rising mountains of foam and started working on his break falls and rolls. Watching him roll and smash out the peaks felt surreal. I remember practicing those rolls exactly once in my training. I had no doubts I would kill myself or enter permanent paralysis if I tried along with him.

I haven't been one to fall in the correct form in the past. Falling can be scary, especially for someone so seemingly injury prone.

On Wednesday night, Big I was attending ju-jutsu class. Although she's getting better with her rolls, they're still not great. She's slamming down on her back with quite a bit of force and that can't be good long term. She's supposed to finish in a side break-fall position. She's just not. Her Sensei and one of his helpers spent quite a bit of time trying to get her to roll the right way. It just wasn't happening.

Over the past few days, she's been wanting to practice at home. It's difficult to tell her how to do something, much easier and more effective to show her, so I figured it was time to get back on the rolling wagon and give it a shot.

Surprisingly, I didn't hurt myself and I actually did it right. I'm not willing to take it from a running start quite yet (doubt I ever will be quite honestly), but I did it well enough to consider myself worthy of helping Big I. The past few days have been full of rolling at our house. Lil C wants to get in on the fun and Big I is slowly but surely getting it. I think that if she could just do one correctly and feel the difference between the crazy business she usually does, she would get it.

The good thing is that her Sensei doesn't let her off the hook. Each week is practicing and reinforcing the skills learned in the weeks prior before moving on to anything new. This building block approach of learning has been good for her and she's been very receptive to it. The skills she learned in the first week are getting really good; the rolls are coming along nicely, and this week they even began working on their first throw.

The bonus for me is that I get to watch class, help her learn what she needs to learn, and I get to learn new things too.

Maybe next time the heat rises, I can help our stellar dojo roller with some haphazard rolling of my own. And hopefully, before too long, Big I will be joining in as well.

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Making It Work In The Dark

I had to drag myself to the dojo tonight. I spent most of the day outside in temperatures that were around 90 degrees, working on my yard and gardens. What else is new? By the time I had finished eating dinner, I was ready for a nap. Instead, I dragged myself to the car and arrived at a sweltering hot dojo.

Our dojo is not one of those strip-mall places with central air. There's nothing fancy or high-tech about it. We have window air conditioners that sometimes cool things off (or not). Mostly not. We have flooring that bubbles up when it's hot. When the temperatures rise in there, on the second floor, it's definitely unpleasant.

One of the most important lessons I've learned from my dad is this one: hot air rises, cool air sinks. So, I sunk onto the floor and did my stretches in a horizontal position. I don't tolerate heat well and when you stack that on top of the exhaustion I already had, I was pretty miserable.

I tied my hair up on the top of my head and the four of us in attendance, decided that the lights were staying off. We didn't need anything else heating things up. At first we could see just fine, but as the night wore on, the darkness was as heavy as the heat. It was the perfect time to build up to having a night time attacker.

Without being able to see facial expressions, and only being able to see a shadow coming at you, it felt realistic. I sometimes have a hard time following through on techniques and let people out of things before I probably should. But I didn't tonight. Each of the two guys I worked with saw the ground a bunch of times and I was proud of how I responded and what I did. It wasn't always pretty and things didn't always work the way I wanted them to, but I found myself trying to work several techniques instead of just trying one that doesn't work and giving up.

The darkness added a veil of scariness to the whole drill. You wanted to finish your opponent. The other woman and I each took a turn with each of the guys, and then we took turns attacking each other too. It was a very realistic drill that taught you something about yourself. It starts out being something you think will wreck your confidence, and then you find out it's done just the opposite.

After class, I was talking to the other woman in the locker room about the drill. We were discussing the issue of self-defense. As a woman, people tend to side with you if you're attacked and you happen to take out your attacker. But what if you're a trained martial artist, you're attacked, and you break some bones or cause other serious damage? Then what? What exactly is a woman allowed to do to defend herself in the world and how does that change when that woman just happens to be a high ranking martial artist?

It's an interesting question and it made me think about a conversation I had with one of the builder guys the other day. He was fixing something on the exterior of my house and I was planting some flowers. He noticed I was kneeling funny and asked me about my knee. I told him about my surgery and he asked me how I had injured myself.

"Karate. I was sparring at the time" I told him. 

He asked me how long I have been training and what rank I was. I told him my next rank testing will be for Shodan and he asked me with complete seriousness, "So, when you get your black belt, you'll have to go get your hands registered with law enforcement right?"

I laughed out loud. I think he was a little embarrassed, so I contained my laughter and told him I had heard something about that somewhere (Where did I read that anyway?), but that I didn't think I was required to do that upon getting a black belt. Am I wrong? I guess I always thought that was a joke.

It does raise an interesting question though. If a man attacked a woman on the street, and she (a trained martial artist) fought back and broke an arm, ripped a ligament, poked out an eye, and sent the family jewels  packing? Would she be in trouble?

Personally, I think the guy is asking for it if he's a stranger on the street and he grabs me. Of course, there's the issue of appropriate force; but when it comes to it being a stranger on the street? I'm not taking any chances. It's my life we're talking about here.

What would you do if attacked on the street by a complete stranger? How would you feel as a juror, on a case where an attacked woman beat the living daylights out of her attacker or even killed him?  These are interesting questions and I'm going to do some research of my own and see what I can come up with on this topic.

Just Breathe

Breathing is supposed to be natural. Most of us know exactly how to do it when we're born. We are able to continue breathing throughout our life, without thinking too much about it. It's just natural, the way it should be.

Then there's karate breathing.

If you're not a karate person, or if you don't do breathing kata, it's kind of like this:

Inhale like you've never inhaled before. Breathe in through your nose until your sinuses shake and your body can take in no more air. This sinus shaking business is visible from the outside. If it's not, you're not doing it right.

Then, punch and breathe out. When you do it though, growl with the back of your throat so you feel really uncomfortable and weird. Breathe out until you have no more air left and the only thing left for you to do is cough awkwardly.

This, people, is karate breathing, and I can't seem to do it to save my life.

The other night in karate class, we were working on various waza. We have 10 of them and they're small series of moves. For example: step back and block up, punch, punch, clear down with kiai. Done. That's waza one.

Waza are the most difficult things to remember. They just don't stay in the head because they all tend to blend into one another. One of the shodans was helping me get them back in my head the other night and afterward, we took turns picking a number and then doing that waza.

When it came time for one of our 3rd dans to do his, he took waza three and did this breathing business with it. He did it a couple times. First slowly, then faster. Personally, I'd never seen anyone do a waza like that before. When he was finished, the shodan teaching that night asked me and another 1st kyu if we had any comments.

"Yeah, I thought we told him to do waza three!" I said.

The 3rd dan looked at me funny and said, "That was waza three!"

I said, "Well, it didn't look like my waza three. It didn't look like any waza three I've ever seen before."

Everyone laughed. They all know I have issues with the breathing. That's putting it lightly.

I came home that night and was telling Mr. BBM about class. I showed him how waza three had been done. I think I did a fairly good impersonation. The problem is, I can't do it in class. It's simply that right now, an impersonation, whenever I do that breathing. For now, I can't seem to make it my own.

I'm just going to need to practice at home, with music blaring or something, until I get comfortable with my own lungs and with the growling.

Learning How To Fall

A couple week ago, when Big I started first Danzan Ryu ju-jutsu, I was worried that this wasn't going to be her thing either. The very first thing that they learn in class is how to properly fall. There's a lot to remember and it's a little different than how we do it in karate. I spent the first night of class watching her fall on her arms constantly when she tried to do the side break fall. I watched her forget to turn her head sideways for the front one. I was worried.

Last week, they started doing roll falls and I began to really worry. Big I is not your typical little girl in the rolling department. It doesn't come naturally to her the way it does to many others girls. I wrote about this in the past and described Big I trying to do a forward roll as someone throwing their forehead at the floor. She just doesn't get that you're not supposed to roll on your head and almost break your neck. I think a big part of it has to do with how tall and skinny she got so very quickly. She just doesn't know how to work with that body yet.

However, this week at class, Big I made some major progress. With the exception of only one or two times, the kid got every break fall nearly perfect. Her Sensei was impressed. This was only her third class.

The class progresses with the usage of scrolls that have various techniques on them, and this week they were able to move down to the 5th technique. The children's class is currently only Big I and her Sensei's daughter. They get along really well, work great together and although Sensei's daughter seems to pick things up a little quicker than Big I, she's also his daughter and has had some at home training.

This week though, Big I was doing so well. When we got home from class, she wanted to show Mr. BBM all the things she had learned. There, in the middle of the family room, she showed him her break falls without being on mats. She is genuinely excited about what she's learning and tries to show her "moves" to everyone. Last night, she told me that if I'd like, she can teach me and Mr. BBM what she's learned in class. It may not have looked like it was her thing at the start, but it's appearing that it's becoming her thing fairly quickly.

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Hanging with the Boys

Lately, at the dojo, I have frequently been the only girl in class. There are definitely more men than women at my dojo. When you break it out and look exclusively at brown belt and above, there are even more men than women. I grew up a tomboy and my best friend in high school was a guy, so this has never bothered me. I seem to get along better with guys overall. From a martial arts perspective though, I began thinking about whether or not the guys take it a little easier on me.

Last night, we were paired up and spent the entire night trying to wail on each other with bat-sized sticks. Whenever we do these drills, we ease into them gradually. We start by working out distancing. Our partner starts swinging at us when we're just a hair out of reach. Then we add movement, first small movement, then big movements. Finally, we add some evasive maneuvers and techniques to combat someone wielding a club or bat at us. By the end of the night, it's usually a sparring type situation that can get pretty intense.

I was partnered with a brown belt guy, who I believe has a black belt in another style (a heavily into kicking style). I like working with this guy; we seem to work well together. The drills went fine, and then it was time for the free-for-all stick swinging. He was taking aim at me and my first movement brought some serious pain with it for my knee. The quick movements, twisting, pivoting and off-angle stuff still freak me out and cause me some trouble. Yet almost every week, I've been taken out of my comfort zone for drills that start harmless enough, but end with me being a nervous wreck. I simply haven't figured out how to adjust to my knee situation. My previous stances are uncomfortable so I've been forced to find new ways to stand. Something as simple as which foot to put in front is now troubling and feels uncomfortable.

It's really difficult to think about the stick swinging at your head when you're more worried about your knee and messing it up again. After the initial tweak however, I was able to make it through the drill. I got hit a couple times (thank God we had switched over to plastic), and I mostly felt like a total idiot. Being a teacher and having previously done a lot of public speaking, you'd think I could handle a little audience, but the four guys standing on the side were freaking me out too. They're all good, and I feel like I'm not, so it can be intimidating.

Later, I watched the guys switch it up and continue going at it. When my partner was out there with someone else, it was intense. He was throwing in some good kicks and techniques and I was really impressed. I also got the feeling that he had been taking it easy on me.

This, for a girl, is good and bad. It's good because I am smaller than these guys. Even though I'm of similar height to most of them, I am definitely a light weight. I don't fit the typical body type of a female karate-ka, at least not most of the ones I've seen and been around. Despite months of busting my butt at the gym, there's nothing you can really do when your genes say you'll be a 5'9", 135 lb string bean. I've built muscle, but it's still on my spaghetti frame. So, for that reason, I guess being treated a little differently is good.

I also think the guys are cautious around me because of my knee. They know I'm terrified of being injured again, and so they approach drills with me with kid gloves on. I get that, and I do appreciate it. But I guess there's a part of me that wishes it was otherwise. When I watch the guys out there, throwing each other around, and getting intense, I'm a bit jealous.

That's never going to be me. I'm not the girl who will be fondly recalled years from now as "the scrapper." I doubt there will be any legends told about me and my skills twenty years from now. I'm feeling more and more like I'm the blend-into-the-background type of girl in the dojo and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

People comfort themselves by saying that there's a reason for everything and that things happen for a reason. I, for one, would like to know the reason for some of these things. Like the ACL injury, for example. What was the purpose of that? Was it to make me quit karate? Was it to make me appreciate it more? Was it a giant smack-down from someone above telling me I'm out of my league? I know it's made me into a person who enjoys going to the gym and working out, but how does that fit in with karate and how things go at the dojo? Right now, I'm not seeing how the working out has benefited my karate. Will it make me a better martial artist in the long run? Will it harm my progress because I'm afraid (rightfully so), and because others are afraid to hurt me?

I don't want to go to the dojo and get a beat-down each week (I seriously can not sustain another injury), but at the same time, my purpose for being at the dojo is primarily self-defense. If the guys are taking it easy on me, then isn't this doing me harm in the long-run? Am I now seen as the delicate flower of the dojo? If that's the case, I'm not happy about it.

Last night I got home and iced my knee for a while. Then I had Mr. BBM come swinging at me and I tried to take him down using one of the techniques we worked last night. Without him knowing what I was going to do, and without him taking a dive for me, I simply couldn't make it work. Granted, he is bigger than the guys I usually work with, but it's still frustrating when something that had worked only hours ago, now doesn't.

As martial artists, we need compliant partners until we've learned the proper technique and control, but are my partners being too easy on me when it comes to helping me make techniques work? Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because of the ACL injury? Am I doing the same thing to them? Unfortunately, I don't think there are any easy answers to these questions.

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Pain That Makes You Work Harder

Tonight at the dojo reminded me why I love karate so much.

I've spent the last few weeks at the dojo trying to get kata back into my head. Of course, there was the occasional night where I had a bo coming at me full force, but most nights have revolved around kata, either open hand or weapons, and my brain trying to reabsorb and perfect it all.

Tonight, however, it was all partner work; and it was awesome. Hanshi had us take each scenario from a casual stance to mimic what might happen if someone approached you and started swinging when you weren't quite expecting it. We worked on parrying, back-fists, some crazy cool joint locks and jamming the bicep when you have an incoming round-house punch.

I was working with a black belt partner who I haven't worked with in a while, and we had a good time practicing on each other and exploring some potential other possibilities. It felt good to evade a punch and throw back some techniques. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing how a small portion of kata can turn into the perfect defense against someone looking to take your head off.

There were certainly some mess-ups on my part tonight. Learning something new is never perfect, but my partner and I worked through it and it was definitely a fun night at the dojo.

At one point, Hanshi came over and demonstrated one of the techniques on me. It reminded me, once again, how very good he is at what he does. For minutes after, my bicep was unhappy, as was the rest of my arm. He uses such amazing control, but when he hits you, man, do you know it! I never mind being his uke though; because when you feel that tweak of pain, it inspires you to work harder yourself.

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Listening to the Knee Yoda

Last Thursday, I made the mistake of assuming that my knee would tolerate kneeling, as in butt back on the heels kneeling. I was very wrong.

I think I would have been ok if it had been a brief stay, but it wasn't. We ended up sitting in seiza for quite some time and I sat there awkwardly jutting my leg out to the side. Even if I could kneel completely, my knee brace wouldn't allow me to go that far. My brace is sort of like my mother, reminding me what I can and can not do.

I noticed my knee was a little crankier than usual over the weekend and I tweaked it again during my crazy yard lady four hour raking stint in my yard on Sunday when I sort of leaned back on my left heel at one of the areas in my yard that has decided it would like to be reclaimed by the depths of the Earth.

I should have called it a day, but I had a much needed appointment with my trainer at the gym, so after four hours of raking and seeding, it was time for more torture.

I had every intention of asking my trainer for some new leg exercises. I'm getting a little bored with what I've been doing. My knee has been holding up great through all of the increased reps and weights. I wanted something new; but when I sat down to stretch my legs out, I noticed a very sore and swollen knee.

I couldn't get full extension and my knee was really puffy. My trainer took one look at it and said, "We're doing arms," which is just what my arms needed after raking for four hours. He tortured my biceps, triceps and abs in new and horrible ways and then I went home to ice my knee.

I took my knee cocktail of my joint supplement, bromelain, and turmeric and topped it off with some ibuprofen. The knee was screaming for some. I iced it on and off until I went to bed, where I slept with it elevated.

On Monday, the swelling was down but I was still really sore. I was getting stiff after sitting for only a few minutes and I knew it was the kneeling that did me in because I was also super sensitive when I tried to bend my leg past a certain point.

I headed out to karate class anyway. I was up front with my instructor and told him I wouldn't be kneeling or doing anything to stress my knee. I also asked if we could refrain from doing anything involving abs, biceps or triceps, but the entire class decided that working joint locks on noses would be sort of short-lived and weird.

True to form, my instructor had me more worried about protecting my face and head than my knee and despite a couple reminders from the cranky knee during class, I actually finished class feeling better.

I'm still a little swollen, but it's definitely feeling better. Riding my stationary bike for 30 minutes last night seems to have loosened things up a bit. I am forever reminded of what my PT used to always say to me: "Listen to the knee." He's like my knee Yoda and I wish he would have been at the dojo when I was breathing through the pain of kneeling, telling myself to suck it up.

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A Comedy of Errors, Form of Weapons

When you return after 17 months off and go full blast with the kobudo weapons as you did before, there are bound to be some bumps and bruises. I started off with forearm bruises from the bo and another large and well placed bo bruise right above the elbow on the upper outside of my arm. That one, although painful, was cool. I seem to remember someone saying that if you have that bruise, you're doing it right. I pretty much wanted to wear a tank top to show it off, even in 30 degree weather.

Despite this trophy bruise though, I also had a bit of a sore spot right at my hairline on my forehead, where I kind of bounced the bo off my head. I don't even think I was doing kata at that point. Bouncing a bo off your head truly takes talent when not even doing something official. Truly.

Here's a picture of someone using a bo without whacking himself in the head.

  

Then came the tunfa. The first night I used them again, I smacked my knee brace pretty good with them. Man, I was thankful I had a brace on and wasn't going it without one. That would have hurt. I also hit myself in the head during the course of kata. I'm trying to remember how I did it, but if I recall correctly (keep in mind this is the second head trauma in two weeks), I believe it was from an over-ambitious upward block. Don't ask.

That's an upward block in the picture below. Clearly, this talented man has the tunfa nowhere near his noggin. You learn something new every day.

 

Then came nunchaku. Nunchaku and I have had a love/hate relationship for quite some time. While nunchaku, for many men, is an absolute dream weapon, actually operating the little suckers can be quite tricky. I was tempted to ask my one instructor to borrow his foam ones for my first run through, but instead I just went ahead with my wooden ones. If you can recover from ACL surgery, you can take a whack or two from nunchaku.

I took several. I whacked my back much harder than I would have liked to, and I also smacked my thigh hard enough to leave a little bruise. Thankfully, I didn't knock myself unconscious with them. Here's a picture of a woman in Okinawa not knocking herself unconscious with them. When you imagine nunchaku, imagine me like this. . .

 

Finally, we come to the sai. One must keep in mind that my sai are brand new Shureido sai. I've been using craptastic sai for many years and am only now getting to use some decent sai with the right angle where your hands go. Here's a picture of me, pre-injury, acting like I know what I'm doing with my crappy ones.

  

So far, I have yet to injure myself with my new ones, but I do have to admit that I am having a terrible time getting them caught in my gi sleeves and top. It's a good thing I wear a tank top underneath during training because my sai are convinced that I don't need to wear my top at all. I need to figure out what the heck I'm doing wrong. Disrobing at the dojo, during class, or (God Forbid!) during eventual testing would be just a tad bit embarrassing. 

Speaking of embarrassing, my biggest gaffe so far, happened on Saturday morning. During a black belt/wanna-be-black-belt workout at the dojo, we were working on some tunfa kata. Still getting used to my new purple heart custom Crane Mountain tunfa, and sweating up a storm, I did the equivalent of what would be a major party foul, like spilling a full beer for example. I spun my tunfa around and to my horror, watched it spiral toward the floor. It hit with a loud klunk, despite the foam floors. A girl can hope that no one noticed, but my usual training buddies around me had definitely noticed. One was grinning ear to ear and the other sort of chuckled. They laugh because they've done it themselves, many times, probably, right guys?

Anyway, having your training buddies notice is one thing. Having Hanshi announce that "dropping your tunfa is optional" as he explains the steps in the kata. . . well, you can pretty much guess that everyone now knows. Yep, everyone. Brown belts are there for amusement purposes though right? I take that role seriously. I figure if you can't laugh at yourself, then it's going to be pretty lonely as everyone else laughs at you right?

Returning to karate may be like riding a bicycle; but the words of my surgeon continue to echo in my head, "You're not going to be any good at it for a while."

He's a wise man indeed.

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Like Riding a Bicycle. . . but With Elbows

Sometimes I feel like my karate instructors can read my mind. After returning to karate after nearly a year and a half hiatus, I can't deny that there were some unpleasant thoughts going through my head.

What if I lost it all? What if I can't remember any of my self defense? How am I going to adjust and adapt how I do things considering I used to use my knees and legs for much of my self defense?  There's nothing quite like a solid knee or punt of a kick to the groin when it comes to defending yourself against a guy. With that option not looking as good now, I wondered if I'd have to go back to scratch, and find new favorite techniques to use.

Last night, I found out that my alternative options work just fine. I officially have some new favorites and I think it's a positive thing to be forced to change things up. It's easy to rely on only the techniques that we favor, but when forced to think and work outside of the box, some new patterns emerge.

We worked on some pushing hands drills initially and although it felt really funny at first, I could see the point by the end of the exercise. After feeling each other out during the drill, we ramped things up and worked on finding ways to gain advantage and get in some good techniques.

Just as before, I found myself uttering "sorry" when things didn't go as I'd planned or hoped they would go. I'm also really good at scoffing at myself. My instructor kept gently reminding me to keep my mouth shut. I really need to work on replacing my apologies with a good kiai instead.

After working on this drill for a while, we worked on some other self defense. With my back turned to the three guys, I had to casually turn around as an attacker came from behind with whatever technique they felt like throwing. It reminded me of blindfolded self defense. It was uncomfortable and scary-butterflies in the stomach inducing too. The turning part alone gave me pause with my knee that doesn't want to believe it's capable of twisting and turning quite yet. I was also unsure how I would react and whether or not my self defense techniques would surface without me having to consciously draw them back out of hiding.

It's always a concern. Will those moves be there when you need them? Will you react the way you've been trained, even if you haven't practiced in a while?

We ran through several rounds and despite the one time that my instructor threw a punch and I threw up a messy block and strike which was more like me punching his punch (dies of embarrassment), I felt I held my own. Even when I clearly felt I had messed up, my instructor countered with, "Well did you get hit?" I had not.

I found out my new tendencies are to go for the throat and that I also really like to throw elbows-a good thing when you have pointy ones like mine.

I'm finding that coming back to karate after all this time off is much like riding a bicycle. I might be a little shaky at first; but the skill is definitely there, even if it's a little dusty from all the time hanging out in the "garage."

Why a Kid Needs to Learn to Fail Successfully

By: Ann-Marie K. Heilman, Kyoshi
     Okinawa Kenpo Karate Kobudo 
     Heilman Karate Academy, Inc.

In talking to a parent recently about his daughter’s review for belt ranking, I was surprised that he accepted my explanation that she could not test because she did not have all the material necessary to do so. Why was I surprised? Because no matter how many times I say “review," an adult will argue that a child’s “self esteem” will be diminished if they don’t succeed at every task placed in front of them including minor ones.

In the ensuing conversation we both agreed that she had heard me say that it was only a review to check her progress. Being a coach himself, he understood the importance of high standards. However, we both agreed that somewhere things had gone wrong in coaching and that everyone was expected to “play." Not only that, but everyone was expected to “win."

I am looking at a far greater picture here and it involves both my profession as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (you know, behavior charts, stickers for good behavior, blah, blah, blah), and my belief that a dojo cannot award mediocrity because your life may depend on what I teach you.

I am in favor of positive reinforcement. I am also in favor of failure. Why? Because I don’t think people know how to fail correctly. Failure used to mean that you worked harder to succeed at the task so that you never had that feeling again. Parents supported you through the failure and coached you to “try again” and again and again until you either succeeded or switched gears and did something else. Once again, you accepted “failure” (maybe you switched from basketball to baseball) and moved on but no one worried that your “self esteem” was damaged forever. I won’t get into that “self esteem” stuff right now. I just want to point out that I see a dangerous road here and many dojo owners are following that road without questioning why they are doing it.

For years we have been positively reinforcing good behavior, good deeds, good something and somehow, some way, we have bought into the “lets reward them for breathing because, if we don’t, their 'self esteem' will be fractured and their lives will come crashing down around them and all is lost" (and it’s the teacher’s or the parent’s fault because they didn’t teach well enough). Let me say that I don’t buy into this baloney although I once did. I have experienced enough of life to now say unequivocally that it isn’t success from which I have learned the most – it was failing and sometimes miserable (the misery was all mine until I fixed “it”, whatever needed to be redone or relearned).

What does this have to do with a dojo? As I stated, your life may, literally, depend on what I teach you. And a child who may have to resist a possible abductor may need every GOOD technique taught them, not a sticker for “trying hard."

I am deeply concerned about “our” kids today. Where are the high standards of yore when you worked and worked at a goal until you succeeded? Parents encouraged you but did not fight with the teacher (or sensei) that “but my child tried so hard!” Again, I repeat myself, what is wrong with working towards a goal until you actually succeed?

I am now seeing young adults who are literally crushed by defeat. They can’t get off their duffs and start looking for work after losing a job because they have never experienced “losing.” They don’t know how to pick themselves up, go to Plan B, or C, and go forward because all their lives they have been allowed to NOT fail; someone has pleaded their case and argued that their “self esteem” will be diminished and their lives on hold until they succeed at the task (usually instant promotion or instant “A” as in grading a paper).

Again, what has this to do with a dojo? Because the father I was speaking to regarding his daughter’s review knew that she wasn’t going to get her belt that day – there were some things that she needed to work on – and despite her complaints that she “did the best she could,” it was still not good enough. And that is why I like to call such activities “reviews.” Even the word “test” seems to have lost its meaning. Every time you are put “to the test,” are you really expecting to pass? Only if you have done the work that qualifies you to pass, I hope. You won’t get a “sticker” if your self-defense works for you on the street. You get to keep your life. If I have allowed you or your child to get belt after belt because you showed up for class and paid your dues and not because you learned the material and excelled at it, then shame on me. And if you failed a test, did you find out what you did wrong and pass with flying colors the next time you tested? Or did you quit saying the test, or the teacher/sensei was “unfair? Life is unfair. We need to teach how to go past failure and succeed.

And there ends my rant for today after opening the can of worms known as positive reinforcement for breathing or “how do I keep them in the dojo so that I can pay my bills?" If I have to keep a kid’s (or adult’s) self-esteem at a high level and not allow them to fail and promote them at every turn for techniques that are sloppy, inadequate, and downright poor – then the doors to the dojo will have to close.

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Our Family Is Becoming MMA

On Monday night, Big I and the rest of our family went to watch a Danzan Ryu Jujitsu class to see if she might be interested in taking some classes. I have taken a seminar or two during annual trainings in the past and it was always really cool stuff. There are plenty of moves to learn, but no kata. Interested doesn't even begin to describe how into it Big I was while watching, and even after we came home.

As she watched the two students and instructor demonstrating the things that she would learn, she sat quietly. I heard an occasional "wow, that was cool." The instructor is starting a children's program in a couple of weeks and it looks like Big I is going to be one of his first child students. Because I stayed for karate class later in the night, I didn't get to really ask her about her interest level, but I had a feeling she was hooked.

My suspicion was confirmed yesterday as she asked Mr. BBM if she could try out a couple of the moves she learned on Monday night. He grabbed her arm and she made him take a seat on the ground in mere seconds. She's definitely excited about starting jujitsu, and I am thrilled she's staying with the martial arts in one form or another.

On Monday night, after watching jujitsu for a while, I went upstairs to karate class. There were only four of us and we worked on bo kata and bunkai. There's nothing quite like bunkai to realize how many cobwebs have grown in the karate portion of your brain. Lacking practice and polish, I hit Ikigai on the ankle with my bo twice. I said "sorry" too. Here's hoping that push-ups for sorry's isn't instituted anytime soon.

When class was finished, I asked the very forgiving Ikigai to help me get Chounokun back in my head. It took a good 20-30 minutes, but I left the dojo reaquainted with the kata enough to be able to come home and get through it on my own.

I've decided that I'm going to run through all the kata I know well every day. I'm avoiding the ones where parts have gone missing. I don't want to practice and repractice it the wrong way. If I keep doing that, then hopefully the cobwebs will clear a little faster.

Through it all, my knee has been holding up great. I'm wearing my brace and that has provided a little extra support of the mental and physical variety. The most uncomfortable thing so far has been the rei at the beginning of each kata, class, etc. I just don't have the same extension I have with the other leg. Without even realizing it, I tend to try to make the legs match and my left knee always protests with a big enough shot of pain to remind me to knock it off.

I can't tell you though, how nice it is to replace knee bruising with some bo bruising on the arms. I didn't think it was possible to be happy about the bo bruising, but this is one girl happy to have some bo bruising back in her life. It's about time.

Don't forget to leave a comment over at The BBM Review for your chance to win one of three Spa Break baskets.

Also, leave a comment on any of the Admired Martial Artists' posts and you'll be entered to win one of several great MA prizes.

Trial by Fire-Back in the Dojo Baby

I decided to take my first night back slowly. I figured I'd skip the early class, roll in a little early for the second class, stretch, and then ease my way back into the dojo with a one hour work-out. I came out of the locker room gi'd up and ready to go. As I climbed the stairs, a karate Mom and friend of mine started cheering for me. The Shodan teaching the kids class downstairs began singing, "We are the Champions." It was a overkill, just a bit, but it sure felt nice.

I made my way upstairs and stretched in the waiting area while I watched the first class wrap up.

People were taking turns doing individual bo kata. I willed myself to be invisible in the waiting area. After a 17 month break, it's not all in there right now, at least not in an area easily tapped. I knew Hanshi wouldn't make me, but still. Invisible I was, just in case.

The beginner class wrapped up and Hanshi came over, shook my hand, and gave me a hug. The advanced class was starting. Instead of the traditional kneeling rei in, Hanshi announced that we would be standing as he nodded in my direction. The class was loaded with black belts and two other brown belts. I was the only girl. A nice and easy start back, or not.

Hanshi told everyone to get a pair of kama. Kama?  Kama.

I've worked with the kama maybe twice, once in class a long time ago and once at a training camp. They are super cool to work with, but I was kind of hoping for some non-black belt stuff on my first night back. Hanshi was sure to give me a pair of wooden kama and we got started.

The stances felt fine. I don't know that I had them all as they should be because I was too busy trying not to stab myself, but cat stance felt decent. Nai hanshi stance was mostly ok, and even kosa dachi felt ok. The worst position knee-wise was actually the rei at the beginning of each kata. I thought I had stretched my leg out enough, but I definitely need to keep working on my flexibility in that leg.

At one point in the kama kata, there's a jump. Hanshi looked right at me and said, "no jumping." I told him not to worry, but when we got to that part I thought I'd try a little hop to see what happened. It went fine, so the next jump I went a bit higher (I'm talking about two inches total here people so don't get too excited).

When we were finished with kama, we moved onto tekkos (think old school brass knuckles). I made it through the kata, and even made it through a couple kicks. I may not have had all the moves down but the basic aspects of the kata felt good.

When class was over, we did the final rei out (standing again-Thank you Hanshi!) and Hanshi made a special point of welcoming me back. All the guys clapped and smiled. It was a very nice welcome back.

The best thing about tonight? I didn't think about my knee the whole time like I did the last time I tried to make my comeback. I was concentrating on the new moves I was learning and feeling so fantastic to be back that I wouldn't allow the uncertainty of my knee situation to come onto the dojo floor with me. Plus when you're trying not to impale yourself with kama, you tend to think more about your arms and hands than your bum knee. 

It may have been a long wait to get back, but it seems to have done me well mentally. I think I'm much more prepared this time, than I was the last time I tried to come back.

As I write this tonight, my knee is feeling good. We'll see how it feels tomorrow, but I think this comeback is going to stick. It feels SO incredibly good to be back.

Finally. . .

Admired Martial Artists month just got even more exciting! There are now several cool giveaways. All you need to do to be entered to win is leave a comment on one of the Admired Martial Artist posts. The more comments you leave, the more chances you have to win. Check out the main AMA page for details on the prizes, and check back often. More prizes may be added in the days to come!

We also have a cool non-martial arts giveaway coming up on The BBM Review in just a few days. Think spa people. Oh yeah!

A Little Motivation

When I bought my first set of sai a couple years ago, I got them from a catalog figuring all sai were the same. I quickly learned, while trying to do various kata and bunkai, that all sai are not the same. My sai didn't have a flat place to place your thumb. They small prongs/spikes/whatever you call them were the wrong angle which made gripping an incoming bo next to impossible. And, when you hold the sai, the longest blade should rest against the gap between your thumb and forefinger, but the weight was off on mine and the sai naturally moved so that the weight was placed closer to the smaller blades instead. It made doing kata tricky and I swore I'd find a way to make them better.

One of my fellow karate-ka made his own weapons and was good with both metal-working and wood-working. So, I asked him if he'd take a look at my sai for me. He spent a week working on them and they were better, still not great, but better.

When I tried to return to karate a few weeks ago, I left my weapons bag at home. I had to borrow a pair of Hanshi's sai. They are Shureido sai and they are sweet. I couldn't believe how much easier it was to use them. I couldn't believe how good they felt in my hands. I told Hanshi I wanted a pair. At their price though, it was going to have to count as Christmas and birthday presents. I figured it would take a long time to get them too. There's a waiting list apparently.

Last night, Hanshi handed me a brand new pair of Shuriedo sai. Their handles are wrapped beautifully. They are the perfect length for my arms and the grip is phenomenal. Although the price is a bit steep, I'm able to subtract it from the credit I'm owed from being on hiatus all this time.

If ever there was a motivating factor to return. . .

 

Now I just need my other friend to make me a cool bag for them. 

Me and My Annoying Knee

I went to the dojo tonight for the early class. I figured if I was feeling good enough, I'd stay for the late class. I wasn't so I didn't.

Stretches went fine until we got to the sit-ups. I had no idea that ACL surgery also eliminates stomach muscles, but apparently it does. I haven't exactly kept up with sit-ups in my months away from karate. I'm going to pay for that tomorrow.

Push-ups went better if you ignore the awkward girl stance I was in with my bad leg out straight and all my weight balanced between my hands and my one good knee. Something tells me my good knee may soon be my second bad knee.

We started off class with some basic moving drills; and they were uncomfortable and nerve-wracking. I wanted to be concentrating on my hip movement, my stances and making my arms do the right things at the right time. Instead, I spent the entire moving drill concentrating on that sink, twist and step out motion that was causing twinges of pain every single time I did them.

We then stood in Nai Hanchi for a while and worked on different strikes. While I wanted to concentrate on my punches, I ended up watching myself in the mirror and the obvious lean I was doing onto my good leg. I kept trying to make myself center up again, but I'd always find myself leaning back to the right side again.

Then I got a cramp in my calf muscle. My leg muscles just aren't conditioned enough yet. Nai Hanchi stances kills. When we moved on to some kicking drills, I bowed out for a bit. Soon, I was called to go downstairs for Big I's promotion. She got a promotion and a stripe tonight and another green belt dad and I got to play the role of "yudansha."

Big I thought it was fun to bow to me after she was given her certificate. I was just relieved when I could get off the floor after agonizing in an awkward seiza which was pretty much me kneeling on one knee with my left leg hanging out awkwardly to the left.

When I went back upstairs, they were working on more kicking drills. I don't have clearance to do that yet, and I was feeling sore and tired so I went home.

Unlike the week before, I didn't have a good ride home. This knee business absolutely sucks on so many levels. I'm one of those people that wants to do something and do it well. Right now, I can't do anything well when it comes to karate. I can't clear my head because I'm always worried about my knee; and I can't do anything the way its supposed to be done.

I feel like a slacker and a loser and I don't like it one bit. Maybe it was too soon to go back. Maybe I'm just not there yet. On the drive home, all I kept thinking is that I may not ever get back to where I was before and that is beyond frustrating. 

I'm going to try to just get it out of my head. I'm reading a book called "Me, Chi and Bruce Lee" about a guy who attempts to get a black belt, gets a bunch of injuries, and "learns what the martial arts is all about." I'm on Chapter 3 right now and I'm thinking this is just the book I need to be reading right now.

Jumping Back In with Both Knees

I don't know how to ease my way back into karate, so I just jumped right in last night. I figured that while Big I was in class, I would take the early class which consists of mostly white to green belts. I adapted what I needed to, doing punches at full force but snap kicks in a very slow and controlled manner. Hanshi kept reminding me to take it easy, and I appreciated his acknowledging that it's o.k. for me to do things differently.

When the class moved on to kata at full speed, Hanshi asked me to take a new white belt aside and teach him the 10-step blocking drill. The guy knew only the first block, but by the end of the class he was doing the entire drill correctly. I really like working with new people; I always have liked it. It gives me a chance to work on basics; and you always learn something more effectively when you're teaching it to someone else. Plus, concentrating on someone else helps distract from your own worries about your less-than-perfect knee.

I figured I'd see how the first class went and then decide whether or not I felt like staying for the advanced class. As I watched my friends filing in for the second class, I decided that I really wanted to stay. I was feeling pretty good and figured I would give it a try.  Before going to the dojo, I thought about grabbing my karate bag, but ended up leaving it at home figuring we wouldn't be working weapons at all.

I was wrong. Since I didn't have my own, I was given an incredible set of Hanshi's sai to use. I believe they are Shureido; and they were easily the most incredible sai I've ever had the pleasure to use (Hint, hint Mr. BBM-Christmas present???). Before we started each weapons kata, I would stand there and try to get through it in my head, trying to predetermine areas that would be tricky for my knee or altogether impossible. I kept drawing a blank. My open hand kata are in there, but my weapons ones had started to fade a bit.

However, once we started moving through the kata, they started coming back to me. It felt so good to work through the moves and see all of the ones I can still do.  As the night wore on, it became quite obvious that the sai kata are my friends, while the nunchaku kata is not. There's a kneeling move in Odo No Nunchaku that just wasn't going to happen. The second tunfa kata was difficult too. The fades to the back, followed by big pivots and quick movements were really hard. I found myself compensating by putting much more of my weight on my right leg. We won't even discuss the jumps, except to say that I didn't do them and my own version elicited a chuckle from Hanshi (Personally, I think he was relieved I didn't try them).

The entire night, I kept hearing my surgeon's wise advice, "You can go back, but you're not going to be any good at it for a while." Every time I messed up, I repeated that in my head. It served as a comforting mantra for the night.

When all was said and done, I had completed two hours of class (the second being the most challenging), and I had a soaking wet gi (for the first time since the night I injured my knee) as my reward for all the hard work. Today, I am sore in the all the places I expected to be sore. Although my knee felt like it was going to mind it last night, today it feels pretty good.

The feeling I had driving home last night was so wonderful. The satisfying exhaustion that comes from a hard class is something I haven't experienced in almost a year. Karate always made me a better person. I was able to get rid of the stress that was building up. After a hard work out, I was always in a better mood. The release after being unable to do karate for almost 11 months is just amazing. It had been building up all this time and going back is the biggest stress reliever ever. I am so happy to be back, slow pivots, lousy jumps, shaky nunchaku kata and all.

I'd like to wish my mother-in-law a very Happy Birthday! Your card from the girls is going to be late and it's totally not their fault. I take full responsibility.

If you're interested in buying some affordable and totally awesome bags for your weapons, check out Bags of Character.